Thanks to everyone who emailed me and let me know they are following....I know this is not simply going out into a black hole, although I think I would continue due to the therapeutic nature of having this outlet. Here is a poem; it's really a prayer. It's dark and sad, but it was cathartic:
This is the summer when it seems like everything has fallen apart;
the summer when the reality of a failing liver took root and the darkness of death came brooding.
The summer when [my daughter] set herself free, but chose the wrong course that will lead her into darkness. I can't go there with her; I can't walk beside her or hold her hand. She's chosen that too.
The summer when one bad day may have ruined what took months to build with [my son]; when I saw the pain and contempt in his eyes for something I have not chosen yet hurts him deeply.
The last summer when [my daughter] will be home and that level of mothering will no longer be needed.
The summer when I felt so alone; when I could not meet the expectations of those who do not walk in my shoes; a life of disappointment for those I've tried hardest to make proud.
A life, once full of vigor and light that is now dimming with days and nights filled with illness.
A summer that I believe will be my last. Many tears have been shed. I've done nothing good and caused only heartache and pain, and on occasion - contempt.
Please, oh god, take me home to you. I don't belong here anymore and I'm hard-pressed to think of one person who still wants me around.
Your humble child,
[Me]
