Sunday, June 12, 2011


I am really sick. That's it, just plain sick as hell. I've been sleeping, but there's almost a constant awareness that things in my body are horribly wrong, even in my sleep. I wake up feeling awful. It takes every ounce of my energy to get out of bed and I'm in terrible pain - even with the patch. I'm scheduled to go into the hospital on the 22nd, and when I asked my doctor what I was supposed to do between now and then, he said to drug myself to oblivion - just to stay as comfortable as possible. I've been doing that but it wears off, it lapses and mornings are just so darn difficult.

I've never felt more like I'm dying than I do now.

I used to wake up feeling lousy and have the ability to get up and push through it. Not anymore. I'm not depressed, I have things I am excited about, a great book I'm reading and God his here with me so close. I also have the best spouse in the world, but boy oh boy is this wearing him down and I can see it on his face and read it in his every movement. He's worried.

So, I'm basically a drugged up person with a serious disease that's progressing and probably have 1 or 2 new diseases to add that haven't yet been confirmed but are caused by my disease.

I'm afraid to be alone.

The Society of Those Who Have Suffered would understand. I'm just hoping to get through the week and up to our cabin. I love my home, but for some strange reason I feel better there. Maybe because it's in the woods and so serene.

If both suspected diagnoses are confirmed, there is treatment. My pile of daily medications is growing into a huge pile and more will be added. But I can't shake this body feeling of death. It's just all so sad for everyone around me.