Thanks to everyone who emailed me and let me know they are following....I know this is not simply going out into a black hole, although I think I would continue due to the therapeutic nature of having this outlet. Here is a poem; it's really a prayer. It's dark and sad, but it was cathartic:
This is the summer when it seems like everything has fallen apart;
the summer when the reality of a failing liver took root and the darkness of death came brooding.
The summer when [my daughter] set herself free, but chose the wrong course that will lead her into darkness. I can't go there with her; I can't walk beside her or hold her hand. She's chosen that too.
The summer when one bad day may have ruined what took months to build with [my son]; when I saw the pain and contempt in his eyes for something I have not chosen yet hurts him deeply.
The last summer when [my daughter] will be home and that level of mothering will no longer be needed.
The summer when I felt so alone; when I could not meet the expectations of those who do not walk in my shoes; a life of disappointment for those I've tried hardest to make proud.
A life, once full of vigor and light that is now dimming with days and nights filled with illness.
A summer that I believe will be my last. Many tears have been shed. I've done nothing good and caused only heartache and pain, and on occasion - contempt.
Please, oh god, take me home to you. I don't belong here anymore and I'm hard-pressed to think of one person who still wants me around.
Your humble child,
[Me]
I *hear* you. Today was blog catch up day. I read a line that said "Be open to shifts" When I read this I thought of techtonic plates below the ocean, they have to shift because of he earths core, so the plates move, and then earthquakes happen..lives are affected...and then..we just rebuild, rebuilding so that it might be stronger, and better, and safer..because that is what humans do, we mourn, and move, build, and hope that these things dont happen again..for a long long time. ..but the earth, the core must shift..your core is shifting too...lives around you are shifting..maybe be opn to the shifts :) Love ya Sue.
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