Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Picking myself up

I've had one of the most stressful weeks of my entire life. I made a very difficult decision that will have a life-altering effect. This decision is final and there is no turning back. I've been reading a book about living with serious chronic illness, and I read the following passage last night. The author is talking about the pleasantry of people asking the simple question, "how are you?".....(an excerpt):

But unfortunately, as a disabled person I often feel deprived of conversation, , not about diagnosis or medical details, not as a complaint but rather, as a basic need to tell my story. The hard work of my everyday life is invisible to people who enjoy good health, because they have the very human propensity of taking their ease for granted. It's difficult to share with a healthy person such triumphs as walking around the block, or having a pain-free night. I also want to speak about how suffering has transformed me; illness is a school that yields surprising insights. ~ Marguerite Guzman Bouvard

I find that I prefer to be alone, and that when I'm with people I enjoy discussing rather deep subject matter. The latest fad in nail polish or tabloid story holds little interest for me (well, it never did but now I have even less tolerance for it). I want to get right to the heart of the matter and talk about things that are important. I feel compelled to announce,'I love you' when I am with a person I truly love and let them know how they have made a difference in my life.

The past 5 days have been incredibly difficult and I'm frazzled, worn-out and one step away from falling apart completely. My shell is cracked and everything inside is ready to spill out; only a thin membrane is holding everything in. Many big changes lie in the week ahead. My daughter heads back for her sophomore year of college. My son is returning home tomorrow (1 week early) from his hiking trip because his girlfriend became ill with giardia. The decision I made will begin to sink in. And life goes on...while I pick myself up and try not to break.