Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The decline....

I've been hoping that this current struggle has been a virus, menopause, or a combination of the two but I can't seem to shake it. This past weekend was my nephew's wedding; he is very special to me and I did not want to miss out! I rested and rested in preparation and when the day came and my ENTIRE family was here, I was able to go....but not without more medications than usual. The reception was held under an outdoor tent and it was quite cool; within a couple of hours, I was chilled to the bone. I didn't think the additional stress on my body was good, so I chose to come home and rest while everyone else stayed and enjoyed the festivities. Instead of feeling badly, I was truly grateful I got to go and experience as much as I did.

But I am not getting better by any stretch of the imagination. My wonderful spouse took the day off and went to the doctor with me to get some answers this morning. While I don't have them all, I now know this is NOT a temporary change in condition that will get better. My liver is showing signs of more disease (development of ascites to be specific) and my symptoms fall into the category of disease progression. The doctor increased my pain medication and is sending me to a specialist who will most likely do a liver biopsy and see how much closer I am to needing a transplant.

The weekend was bittersweet; realizing it's unlikely I will live to see my kids marry and that my husband will grow old without me are very difficult realities. I still find myself asking, "is this really happening?" as it seems so surreal. There is no doubt I have a difficult path ahead and it's not likely to ever get easier. I pray that God will keep me strong.