Tuesday, August 17, 2010

August 17, 2010

I fell asleep right away last night and slept through the night, which was greatly needed.
I wish I could say I woke up feeling rested, but I didn't.

I think I am depressed.
Wait: I know I am depressed.

My husband and I talked a long time last night, about our lives, people, families and the challenges that lie ahead of us. It felt good to connect and for him to nod his head in understanding. Some of you might think I'm just a big 'ole whiner, but there are things going on in my life that I don't write here. I just can't - they are too personal and would be inappropriate to talk about others negatively behind their backs. You'll have to trust me when I say some of these things are HUGE. There are a couple, that if taken out of context and were the only things I was dealing with would cause a great deal of sadness, anxiety and stress for the healthiest among us. And...there are no answers.


I simply have too many things for one person at one time and I don't know what to do or where to go. I have one friend who thinks I need to see a counselor, but I don't think it will help and she's forgetting one important thing: I am sick. I would probably cancel my appointment 50% of the time, which does not lend itself to building a therapeutic relationship. Plus, I don't know what I'd talk about. It's not like these are things I can "fix." They are just deeply painful and I have to find a way to let them go, but they feel too huge right now to be able to do that.

I'm isolating. I'm keeping my phone off. I'm not reaching out. I am staying home and crying pretty much all day long. I know this isn't good, but I don't know what else to do. I am certainly not going to start medicating myself and I can't drink alcohol so I have no choice but to feel the pain and somehow, someway walk through it. It just feels like more than one person can handle and I am almost at my breaking point. I feel so very alone, and for those of you who've felt this way, you know how painful it is.
I don't know what else to write.