The positives

I just realized what a downer that last post was, but it reflects the day-to-day challenges I face. Now I plan to refocus on the positives.

As my spouse and I were talking, we agreed that throughout this journey I've managed to be me. Even when I am at my worst, my spouse says he can still see me shine through the pain and suffering. I've also learned important lessons. All my life has been spent caring for others; not only as a professional nurse, but also as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Although difficult, I've made the transition which allows me to feel okay about not contributing as I have in the past.I've had to adjust my focus on caring for others to taking care of myself. I take pleasure in the smaller things in life; a college care package sent to a niece; a card sent to let someone know I'm thinking about them and helping each of my children in small, yet meaningful ways. This year I asked each of them what they wanted to do for Christmas. Each replied independently of one another: "just spend time together as a family." They don't want gifts or lavish treats - they simply all want to stay a few days at home in their old bedrooms and to"hang out." We are blessed to have 4 wonderful, grown children who are good friends with each other and we all get along well. We have fun together - watching movies that are family favorites, playing games, cooking together and bantering around the way families do. I get calls and texts from my kids at least 3 times a week from each and they lead very busy lives. There's a whole lot of love surrounding us and I don't take that for granted.

My spouse has had to make the most adjustments and we talked a lot about that too. He is happy to take on additional responsibilities to help. He is happy to sit with me, even if we are both simply reading or talking. His job is very demanding and he works out of town 2-3 days a week, which bothers him but it can't be changed. The company he works for is very understanding of his situation and allows a great deal of flexibility - he started with the company when he graduated college in 1978 and it's the only place he's ever worked so he's earned that privilege. They treat him well, as they should. Loyalty is one of his best traits.

And...I've found new ways of having joy in my life. I still have my #1 favorite: nature. I can't do as much as I used to, but I can take short hikes and get out into the woods. I can still do a little gardening, baking and a lot of reading. I adore my 2 dogs and don't know what I'd do without them. I've set goals: to continue with my consulting business at it's current pace, I'm writing a book about chronic illness from the perspective of a nurse and patient and I am giving serious thought to entering ArtPrize next year. I also have found a church home and have a few wonderful friends who are like sisters.

And...one of the most important: I still have good periods of time. I no longer have entire good days, but every once in awhile I have a few good hours and it's truly a gift.