Tears and jewels

I was reading this morning and I read about Pebble Beach in California. If you've ever been there it's quite spectacular, especially the rocks (pebbles). It's aptly named because the rocks are constantly being polished by the surf and many people collect them due to their perfect smoothness and shine. I love collecting rocks and could spend days on end trying to find the perfect rock to add to my collection. My favorite place is the shore of Lake Superior.

As I continued in my reading, the gist of the reading is that most people don't really become beautiful on the inside without going through trials in their life. I totally agree; I wouldn't be who I am today were in not for all the difficulties and challenges I've faced in my life. But one thing I'd trained myself not to do was cry. I learned at a very young age that crying was not good and learned to hold it in. In many ways this learned behavior has helped me a lot; I never lost my composure when I was a nurse and I've seen hundreds of people die in the most horrific of circumstances. And throughout family crises, I appeared to be the stoic rock.

But overall, I think not crying has been bad for me. I held things in far too much and didn't allow myself to grieve. I've had so many losses over the last 4-1/2 years and only recently have I allowed myself to cry. For the last 6 months, I've cried a LOT. I cried pretty much the entire month of January. I needed to grieve properly - not only for the losses my illness have brought, but for a whole lifetime of pent-up grief. Now I cry easily and freely and it's a good thing.

My reading ended with this saying, " Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears." That struck a chord within me today. I'm so glad I learned to allow myself to cry.

Hair

I had my hair done today. Thinking back, I sure have had many iterations of hairdos. I had straight blonde hair as a child, stereotypical long hair in high school (70's) and then went to short hair in 1987 after I had my 3rd child. Each pregnancy seemed to darken my hair slightly, turning it a dirty blonde by the time my 4th and last child was born. It was a very drab color, so I've had it colored blonde most of the time since. I did go dark once and didn't like it. Until I began treatment in 2006, I did not truly know what color my "real" hair was anymore. I lost most of my hair during treatment. It came out in patches and I finally shaved the rest off. Same thing during my second round, but that time all of my hair fell out. I got a wig to wear in public so as not to scare people, but went around bald at home. I tell ya, men have it made. Being bald = hair freedom. When my hair started coming back it was the strangest thing: it was white and fuzzy/curly. Then it kinda got wavy and was gray/ash. It was hideous so I grew it back and saw the "real" color (horrible) for the first time in years. Once it got long enough, I had it colored and have since. Well, I am really going gray now, well actually white. My dad has pure white hair - the kind that is beautiful, pure white. My hair is much more gray now than my 77 year-old mother's is so I'm thinking my hair is more like my dad and once it's all white, I'm going to stop coloring it. My hairdresser will know and doesn't think it will be too long. Wow, all white hair. I'm getting old and that's a good thing!

My place of worship

My husband and I were able to take that kayak trip today; we just returned. I slept well and woke up feeling rested. He was up and getting everything ready. We have a favorite spot to kayak and usually go 2-3 times a year. It's so secluded and it's actually a protected nature sanctuary. This time we tried something different - instead of going one way with the current and then riding bikes back to the car, we turned around and paddled against the current. Is was the perfect day to do so; the wind was coming in strongly from the west and overcame the current of the river. I just love nature...love love love it. I can't go very long without getting into the woods. Before I was sick, I carried a pair of X-country skis in my car during winter and my hiking boots and smartwools during summer in case I got the urge on my way home from work (which I often did). Nature is definitely balm for my spirit, just as good as any church service. I am so thankful I felt well enough to go.

This week I am hoping to get the diabetes thing figured out. I'm having bloodwork again on Wed. and I'm going to try to see my doctor before the end of the week. I'm hoping he will let me have a glucometer to take home and keep a diary of my blood sugars for a couple of weeks. I am hoping that it was high due to bodily stress from another virus. It's certainly possible, so I want to be absolutely sure before I begin any diabetes medication. I don't want another diagnosis, but I'll deal with whatever it is. It's going to be so hard to forego eating chocolate! Grrrr.........

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July! I have a confession - the 4th is not my favorite holiday. I love fireworks and what the holiday represents and I try to think of those who have served our country to maintain the freedom we enjoy. I'd like to give a special shout out to my oldest daughter who served in the US Navy 2000-2004 ; she was stationed in Sigonella Sicily during the war as she was in active duty on 9/11. Four men in her squadron were killed. I know what it's like to be a military mom and I salute all the men and women who have served or who are currently serving.

What I do not like is our neighborhood during this weekend. Everyone on the lake tries to shoot illegal fireworks as they simply fall into the water if things go awry. It's very noisy and goes on to the wee hours of the night, usually robbing me of much needed sleep. We even have one neighbor with a bonafide cannon he shoots off each July 4th. It makes our house shake. I've always been a "jumpy" person so it is very uncomfortable for me, and it's not just a one day event either-it all started a few nights ago and will continue through tomorrow night I'm certain.

I've tried to take it easy today - I sat out by the lake, swam in the pool and made a nice lunch but I am exhausted. It's so frustrating how just the smallest things can poop me out. So here I am resting, hoping for that kayak trip tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy the holiday!

It's always something

My husband & I had decided to clean house today. He's great about helping and my house is simply too overwhelming for me to do alone. It was built in 1897 and has all the charm of an old home, but it has 6 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms. If I clean it myself it takes me more than a day. It was nice because it took both of us about 4 hours working together. But now that we are done, I am absolutely whipped and not feeling well at all. I should also mention that we took an early morning bike ride - it is beautiful outside. Perhaps I've overdone it & I simply need to rest. We've lived in this house 23 years and it's all the kids know; its a cozy, charming home. Not fancy - just right and best of all, it's paid for. I've asked my husband to promise me never to sell it; our kids are very attached and once I am gone I want them to still have the house and all the memories here. It's setup perfectly for a single person to live on just the main floor itself. So, he has promised. That's all I've asked of him as far as promises.

Something I've got to pay close attention to is pacing myself. For example, we are planning on kayaking on Monday (double kayak, so I can get lazy if I want) which means I need to rest most of the day tomorrow. I've found what works well for me. The most predominant symptom of Hep C is fatigue, and sometimes it is overwhelming. It feels like being hit by a train - or running into a wall. It's not a need of sleep; it's a need of rest. Anyone who knew me before knows I am a bundle of high-energy so this has been a HUGE adjustment, but I think I've got it down. I sure am hoping for that kayak trip on Monday because it's my favorite spot; a winding, wooded river that is very secluded and teeming with wildlife. We've also never encountered other kayakers there. It's a 4-hour trip and there is not a house or any sign of civilization to be seen until the very end. I just love it. If you keep going, the river feeds into Lake Michigan. Before I was sick, a friend and I kayaked the entire river, went all the way to Lake Michigan and kayaked north to the beach. I could never,ever do that now - that's when I was in top physical condition. But I'm glad we did it because it's a great memory.

And we have a nice 4-day weekend next weekend too - we've planned a little getaway, just my husband and I. I'm excited about that. I did hear from my mountain man backpacker son - he took a zero day (day off from hiking to do laundry, shower, get a hotel, resupply, etc.) and let me know how it's going. He's having a great time and has met a few people along the way. 6 years ago, I'd have gone with him - I can hardly stand it because I love the outdoors, but it's one of those things I've had to give up and I find less grueling ways to get myself out into nature. I cannot live without the great outdoors, and my love for it was a gift from my grandfather. He and grandma lived on a non-operational farm and he spent his time making trails for us through the woods. We'd go over to visit and he would walk us through, pointing out every beehive, bird's nest, type of fungi, etc. I am eternally grateful to him for instilling that love of nature in me. He's been gone 27 years now and I still miss him a lot. Thinking of you today, Grandpa. A German immigrant and man of few words.

I love my hometown

Had a lovely day in paradise. I added the aerial view of my town to the right. If you were to physically turn around 180 degrees, you would see a small strip of land and then Lake Michigan (shown in the picture below). Lake Michigan looks exactly like the ocean - you cannot tell them apart. The BIG difference is the water is freshwater, not salt water. Much better for swimming! My home is in the center of the photo about 1/4 of the way down from the top. You can see a few boats in the water in front of where my home lies. This is what I see every day and it is truly beautiful. Our house faces west so we see spectacular sunsets over the lake every night. Some are so beautiful they take my breath away. Thanks to my friend Kelly for such a lovely day at her home. I am tired from sitting in the sun, but it was totally worth it.

Gaining strength

I am getting a bit stronger every day. (I had that terrible dream again last night - ugg). I am looking forward to the long weekend ahead - we have a perfect weather forecast and some fun plans. We are going kayaking and will definitely hike with the dogs as well as get some work done around the house. Slowly, slowly I am able to do a bit more each day.

Haven't heard from our hiker (he's hiking solo now, his cousin bailed out on him) but I have confidence in his abilities as he is very experienced. This hike is "easy" compared to some he's done. We've also been able to see our oldest son reach financial independence. Last school year, his teaching job was only 50%, so he was scraping by to pay bills and did not have health insurance. Now he knows he has a full-time teaching job and has full health and dental insurance. He's been driving around a clunker that keeps breaking down, but he had saved enough money to get a nice used car for himself. He transferred the title and got tags for it yesterday and he was grinnin' like a little kid. He's on his way.....

My friend Kelly invited me to her house to sit out on the beach today. We live in a beach town that is hoppin' all summer long. I never take for granted the beauty of the state of Michigan, with all the lakes, rivers, wooded areas and undeveloped land - I haven't found any place else I'd rather live. And we get all four seasons equally, which is something else I couldn't live without.
The picture I have posted is from my town. I get to see this every day if I want to. Again, so very blessed!