I attended an actual church service today (by choice!) for the first time in many, many years. This journey of life is mostly spiritual, and there's nothing like a life-threatening illness to force you into reflective thinking about "religion." I was raised a fundamental Baptist and I can tell you, that's not for me. My husband and I raised our children in a non-denominational church that we LOVED and was perfect for us until a major shakeup changed it's course, and we quietly left (as did many others, some not so quietly). Since that time I do not attend church at all. If I enter an evangelical-type church I feel triggered and traumatized. So, it's a brave thing for me just to go when I have no idea what to expect.
As I was lying in bed more than not over the last 4-1/2 years, I've had plenty of time to assess my spirituality. I am not going to go into detail here because it's such a personal topic and I don't want to offend. But I believe it is absolutely necessary to reflect on our spirits and what this life is about, whether you choose organized religion or not. I don't think anyone EVER arrives at THE ANSWER that is 100% correct; in fact, people who do really scare me. There's always mystery. Always. And for me, that's part of the beauty in it.
I loved the church I attended today, just loved it. I had thoroughly researched it ahead of time and it was perfect for me. I wrote a letter to church leaders asking to meet so I can get my questions answered. There were many friendly faces there. Who'd have ever thought, but I think I'll be joining this church. It's just so right for me at this period of time. I hope each of you also finds your perfect place, and that's so deeply personal. But the important thing is to simply seek. Be a seeker and find your sacred place where your soul is nourished.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thinking & worrying
I've been thinking about where I was last year at this time - how I was doing, and I've realized that my illness really has progressed quite a bit from where I was last summer. No doubt about it, I'm becoming more sick. I'm getting closer to not being able to do much by myself unless I do it first thing in the morning (when I'm at my best) - usually before noon. After that, most things are near impossible without help. My husband has been great about helping me and we talked a lot last night about the future and knowing that at some point I'll need a caregiver. I'm not there yet; right now what I need more is a driver. It's surprising just how exhausting driving can be. My husband drove me to all my appointments this week because I just didn't feel well enough to be as alert as needed. I take driving very seriously - I will not drive if I take a pain pill nor will I drive if I don't feel well because I know I simply don't have the concentration.
But mostly today, I have a heavy heart. I can't say too much but I am VERY concerned about one of my children who is self-destructing. No matter how old our children are we never stop being their mother (my mother tells me this all the time now - she worries about me a lot). So, please send your positive thoughts and prayers for my adult child who is really struggling. And maybe, just maybe something will happen to make a change.
But mostly today, I have a heavy heart. I can't say too much but I am VERY concerned about one of my children who is self-destructing. No matter how old our children are we never stop being their mother (my mother tells me this all the time now - she worries about me a lot). So, please send your positive thoughts and prayers for my adult child who is really struggling. And maybe, just maybe something will happen to make a change.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Health Update
I saw my dr. this morning. He did an A1C test on me, which shows the percentage in blood glucose fluctuations over a 3 month average. Normal is 4-6; mine was 6.8. This means I am borderline type II diabetic and heading more in that direction. When your body is under stress (anyone, even a healthy person) your liver adjusts to provide extra glucose to give you energy. Since my liver is becoming more scarred each day, it's unable to adjust as quickly. I don't need to take meds yet - but I probably will sometime in the future. So for now, just keep doing what I do.
He's quite certain I had a very bad virus and it'll be another 2 weeks or so before I get all my strength back. I lost 6 more lbs. since May, I'm getting darn near thin. I had to go out and buy some new shorts this week since the ones I had last summer were literally falling off my hips. Everyone keeps telling me, "You look GREAT!" because I am so much thinner and tan. Ha! If only they knew that the weight loss is not from a good cause and the "tan" is a little bit of jaundice they might understand that looks are deceiving.
I did hear from my backpacking son last night. He figures it will be 6 more days til he is done. He was on a mountaintop all by himself. He's spent entire days not seeing a soul. He did come across a large bull moose and got within 12 ft. - said he got some great pics. I'll just be glad when he's home. I admire his hobbies and admit I am a bit jealous, but there's always that worry back in there when he's hiking solo. Motherly instincts.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll be trying to do a few fun things while resting (as ordered) in between.
He's quite certain I had a very bad virus and it'll be another 2 weeks or so before I get all my strength back. I lost 6 more lbs. since May, I'm getting darn near thin. I had to go out and buy some new shorts this week since the ones I had last summer were literally falling off my hips. Everyone keeps telling me, "You look GREAT!" because I am so much thinner and tan. Ha! If only they knew that the weight loss is not from a good cause and the "tan" is a little bit of jaundice they might understand that looks are deceiving.
I did hear from my backpacking son last night. He figures it will be 6 more days til he is done. He was on a mountaintop all by himself. He's spent entire days not seeing a soul. He did come across a large bull moose and got within 12 ft. - said he got some great pics. I'll just be glad when he's home. I admire his hobbies and admit I am a bit jealous, but there's always that worry back in there when he's hiking solo. Motherly instincts.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll be trying to do a few fun things while resting (as ordered) in between.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friendship
I have a refrigerator magnet that says "True friends listen to what no one else wants to hear." It was given to me by a true friend, and the saying resonates for me.
I've been wanting to blog about friendship since it's such an important part of our lives as women, and having been ill for so long I have numerous experiences - both good and bad - regarding friendship. But I feel the need to dig deeper and I hope I can adequately express my feelings on the subject.
I have very few long-term friends. One, who reads my blog has been my friend since we were 13. She, too is a registered nurse. We've both been through a lot together and our friendship comes and goes - we've gone long periods without communication and then have periods of intense communication. She's a true friend in every sense of the word. I don't have to "go steady" with her to be her friend. Wherever I am, I can pick up the phone and it's as if we've never been apart. Now THAT's a great friend (love you, DS).
I also have quite a few of what I'd call close friends - women I can talk to very openly - but don't hang out with often. If you're a mother, you know that many of these types of friends are the mothers of your kids' friends - and you either love them or, well for lack of better word - hate them. I'm lucky to have a handful of these great friends. I don't see or talk to them often, but when I do we have a wonderful time together.
Then there are the more difficult friendships. I've had my share - people with whom you've been very close for long periods of time and they know your deepest parts but for some reason they can't hang in there with you when times get rough, or they betray you or do something that ends the friendship. Those experiences are painful and I've had a handful of those over the years as well. Just recently I decided to end one of those friendships...quietly, without fanfare. it is sad.
There's also another category of friends that we don't often think about, but I'm going to be bold and just say it. Friends who are only your "friends" because of what they can get from being your friend. Sadly, I've had some of these along the way....users...who are just in it for their selfish reasons. I usually figure it out pretty quickly and distance myself. (hint: it's also pretty obvious when they don't pick up or return your phone calls.) Yes, I've given of myself only to realize that I was being used and ultimately these women don't really care on a deep level.
But then there are the jewels of friendships, the deep loving friendships where you accept one another for who you are; you can simply be yourself and they are always there for you and vice-versa. I have a handful of these friends and I consider myself very blessed. I don't have a sister, so I call these my sister-friends. They're in it for the long haul and they want to walk side-by-side with you. They are the friends who will listen to what nobody else wants to hear. When you're having a really bad day, they don't offer platitudes; they listen. They encourage.
They cry with you, laugh with you and are present. These are the very best of friends, and my husband is also in this category although I don't call him a sister-friend (haha).
Some of my friends are as young as 18. Some are male. My oldest true friend is in her late 80's. Age is of no importance; it's the deep connection you share. Some are my kids' friends, whom I once shared a mom-type relationship that has blossomed into a true, lasting friendship. They too are jewels as you have the wonderful opportunity of seeing them mature into wonderful young adults.
Friendship is complicated, can be painful and yet is one of life's greatest treasures. And....a true friend really is someone who listens to what no one else wants to hear.
I've been wanting to blog about friendship since it's such an important part of our lives as women, and having been ill for so long I have numerous experiences - both good and bad - regarding friendship. But I feel the need to dig deeper and I hope I can adequately express my feelings on the subject.
I have very few long-term friends. One, who reads my blog has been my friend since we were 13. She, too is a registered nurse. We've both been through a lot together and our friendship comes and goes - we've gone long periods without communication and then have periods of intense communication. She's a true friend in every sense of the word. I don't have to "go steady" with her to be her friend. Wherever I am, I can pick up the phone and it's as if we've never been apart. Now THAT's a great friend (love you, DS).
I also have quite a few of what I'd call close friends - women I can talk to very openly - but don't hang out with often. If you're a mother, you know that many of these types of friends are the mothers of your kids' friends - and you either love them or, well for lack of better word - hate them. I'm lucky to have a handful of these great friends. I don't see or talk to them often, but when I do we have a wonderful time together.
Then there are the more difficult friendships. I've had my share - people with whom you've been very close for long periods of time and they know your deepest parts but for some reason they can't hang in there with you when times get rough, or they betray you or do something that ends the friendship. Those experiences are painful and I've had a handful of those over the years as well. Just recently I decided to end one of those friendships...quietly, without fanfare. it is sad.
There's also another category of friends that we don't often think about, but I'm going to be bold and just say it. Friends who are only your "friends" because of what they can get from being your friend. Sadly, I've had some of these along the way....users...who are just in it for their selfish reasons. I usually figure it out pretty quickly and distance myself. (hint: it's also pretty obvious when they don't pick up or return your phone calls.) Yes, I've given of myself only to realize that I was being used and ultimately these women don't really care on a deep level.
But then there are the jewels of friendships, the deep loving friendships where you accept one another for who you are; you can simply be yourself and they are always there for you and vice-versa. I have a handful of these friends and I consider myself very blessed. I don't have a sister, so I call these my sister-friends. They're in it for the long haul and they want to walk side-by-side with you. They are the friends who will listen to what nobody else wants to hear. When you're having a really bad day, they don't offer platitudes; they listen. They encourage.
They cry with you, laugh with you and are present. These are the very best of friends, and my husband is also in this category although I don't call him a sister-friend (haha).
Some of my friends are as young as 18. Some are male. My oldest true friend is in her late 80's. Age is of no importance; it's the deep connection you share. Some are my kids' friends, whom I once shared a mom-type relationship that has blossomed into a true, lasting friendship. They too are jewels as you have the wonderful opportunity of seeing them mature into wonderful young adults.
Friendship is complicated, can be painful and yet is one of life's greatest treasures. And....a true friend really is someone who listens to what no one else wants to hear.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tears and jewels
I was reading this morning and I read about Pebble Beach in California. If you've ever been there it's quite spectacular, especially the rocks (pebbles). It's aptly named because the rocks are constantly being polished by the surf and many people collect them due to their perfect smoothness and shine. I love collecting rocks and could spend days on end trying to find the perfect rock to add to my collection. My favorite place is the shore of Lake Superior.
As I continued in my reading, the gist of the reading is that most people don't really become beautiful on the inside without going through trials in their life. I totally agree; I wouldn't be who I am today were in not for all the difficulties and challenges I've faced in my life. But one thing I'd trained myself not to do was cry. I learned at a very young age that crying was not good and learned to hold it in. In many ways this learned behavior has helped me a lot; I never lost my composure when I was a nurse and I've seen hundreds of people die in the most horrific of circumstances. And throughout family crises, I appeared to be the stoic rock.
But overall, I think not crying has been bad for me. I held things in far too much and didn't allow myself to grieve. I've had so many losses over the last 4-1/2 years and only recently have I allowed myself to cry. For the last 6 months, I've cried a LOT. I cried pretty much the entire month of January. I needed to grieve properly - not only for the losses my illness have brought, but for a whole lifetime of pent-up grief. Now I cry easily and freely and it's a good thing.
My reading ended with this saying, " Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears." That struck a chord within me today. I'm so glad I learned to allow myself to cry.
As I continued in my reading, the gist of the reading is that most people don't really become beautiful on the inside without going through trials in their life. I totally agree; I wouldn't be who I am today were in not for all the difficulties and challenges I've faced in my life. But one thing I'd trained myself not to do was cry. I learned at a very young age that crying was not good and learned to hold it in. In many ways this learned behavior has helped me a lot; I never lost my composure when I was a nurse and I've seen hundreds of people die in the most horrific of circumstances. And throughout family crises, I appeared to be the stoic rock.
But overall, I think not crying has been bad for me. I held things in far too much and didn't allow myself to grieve. I've had so many losses over the last 4-1/2 years and only recently have I allowed myself to cry. For the last 6 months, I've cried a LOT. I cried pretty much the entire month of January. I needed to grieve properly - not only for the losses my illness have brought, but for a whole lifetime of pent-up grief. Now I cry easily and freely and it's a good thing.
My reading ended with this saying, " Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears." That struck a chord within me today. I'm so glad I learned to allow myself to cry.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Hair
I had my hair done today. Thinking back, I sure have had many iterations of hairdos. I had straight blonde hair as a child, stereotypical long hair in high school (70's) and then went to short hair in 1987 after I had my 3rd child. Each pregnancy seemed to darken my hair slightly, turning it a dirty blonde by the time my 4th and last child was born. It was a very drab color, so I've had it colored blonde most of the time since. I did go dark once and didn't like it. Until I began treatment in 2006, I did not truly know what color my "real" hair was anymore. I lost most of my hair during treatment. It came out in patches and I finally shaved the rest off. Same thing during my second round, but that time all of my hair fell out. I got a wig to wear in public so as not to scare people, but went around bald at home. I tell ya, men have it made. Being bald = hair freedom. When my hair started coming back it was the strangest thing: it was white and fuzzy/curly. Then it kinda got wavy and was gray/ash. It was hideous so I grew it back and saw the "real" color (horrible) for the first time in years. Once it got long enough, I had it colored and have since. Well, I am really going gray now, well actually white. My dad has pure white hair - the kind that is beautiful, pure white. My hair is much more gray now than my 77 year-old mother's is so I'm thinking my hair is more like my dad and once it's all white, I'm going to stop coloring it. My hairdresser will know and doesn't think it will be too long. Wow, all white hair. I'm getting old and that's a good thing!
Monday, July 5, 2010
My place of worship
My husband and I were able to take that kayak trip today; we just returned. I slept well and woke up feeling rested. He was up and getting everything ready. We have a favorite spot to kayak and usually go 2-3 times a year. It's so secluded and it's actually a protected nature sanctuary. This time we tried something different - instead of going one way with the current and then riding bikes back to the car, we turned around and paddled against the current. Is was the perfect day to do so; the wind was coming in strongly from the west and overcame the current of the river. I just love nature...love love love it. I can't go very long without getting into the woods. Before I was sick, I carried a pair of X-country skis in my car during winter and my hiking boots and smartwools during summer in case I got the urge on my way home from work (which I often did). Nature is definitely balm for my spirit, just as good as any church service. I am so thankful I felt well enough to go.
This week I am hoping to get the diabetes thing figured out. I'm having bloodwork again on Wed. and I'm going to try to see my doctor before the end of the week. I'm hoping he will let me have a glucometer to take home and keep a diary of my blood sugars for a couple of weeks. I am hoping that it was high due to bodily stress from another virus. It's certainly possible, so I want to be absolutely sure before I begin any diabetes medication. I don't want another diagnosis, but I'll deal with whatever it is. It's going to be so hard to forego eating chocolate! Grrrr.........
This week I am hoping to get the diabetes thing figured out. I'm having bloodwork again on Wed. and I'm going to try to see my doctor before the end of the week. I'm hoping he will let me have a glucometer to take home and keep a diary of my blood sugars for a couple of weeks. I am hoping that it was high due to bodily stress from another virus. It's certainly possible, so I want to be absolutely sure before I begin any diabetes medication. I don't want another diagnosis, but I'll deal with whatever it is. It's going to be so hard to forego eating chocolate! Grrrr.........
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