Profound sadness...

For those of you who wish to read about Hep C, just move along and look at a different page because I am not going to talk about it today.

I am so profoundly sad and lost today. My very best friend of 30 years was found dead in her home yesterday; there was no indication of foul play or suicide. It appeared she died peacefully in her sleep. She was 51.

I can't stop crying.
I can't imagine life without her.
We always said we were like sisters, and not having a sister I considered her mine. She had 3 sisters and said I was better than a sister because there wasn't any baggage in our relationship.

I spent a week with her this summer at her family's cabin up north - now, so glad I did that. I'll never forget how we laughed and acted like teenage girls. She lived in Washington DC - quite a distance, but we saw each other 4-5 times a year. And...she planned to retire to our area to be near me, my family and other friends in the area. Her parents preceeded her in death. My children all love her to pieces. My now 23 year old son proposed to her when he was 4, he was so smitten with her. We still laugh about that and she has a picture of them together holding hands, with him looking up at her lovingly. She was a beloved member of our family.

I don't know what to do, I feel lost. A friend of mine writes beautiful poetry and she put this on her blog today, which I just have to share:

weeping and aching,
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere,
i found only one answer.
to honor myself.
become all that I am.
and carry you inside that beauty.

That's about all I can do. I am so profoundly saddened and still wondering.....hoping.....that this is simply a bad dream.