First, I am wondering if anyone is reading this blog? If not that's okay - it's therapeutic, but it would be nice to hear a word from you if you are so please let me know.
My youngest son has been home 4 days now and it's clear he is not capable of handling my illness. He's just can't take it and it's one of the main reasons I quit Facebook. He is my sensitive child; he is unable to accept my illness and can't watch first-hand as I deteriorate. He was up late last night talking to his dad, and well, he is just not capable of seeing me the way I am. I am no longer the bubbly, energetic mom who was fun and lively that he enjoyed being around. I'm now a tired, exhausted mom who spends a great deal of time in bed and he hasn't been here to see the progression. For him, it's like a dramatic overnight change. He is getting ready for a 5-week hike in Colorado and I asked him on Thursday, "How will we be able to stay in contact?" to which he replied, "you'll have to write a letter and we'll check in the towns as we pass through." At first I thought he was joking. All I could think is what if something happened and I need to get ahold of you; that is not going to cut it. I went up to my room and cried. I've told all the kids from day 1 that I do not want my illness to change their plans one bit; I want them to carry on with their lives just like they would if I were going to live to be 95. And I mean it; I WANT him to take this hike. I just wasn't prepared for essentially no contact. Am I being unreasonable?
But...here's what I've got going on: I am dying, slowly, of Hepatitis C. My liver has been damaged to the point I've now developed Type 2 diabetes and at last check (biopsy) I was showing signs of cirrhosis. I can't take many of the medications for these problems because my liver isn't working properly, so I have to tough it out. I've lost nearly 60 lbs in the past year due to illness. I am going through menopause. And....I'm facing my own death. Throw in a difficult extended family and I think I have a LOT on my plate. And I think I am doing well....not perfectly by any means, but I am doing well. In the past month I've hiked, kayaked, gone to 2 museums, had lunch with friends. I've also canceled as many plans as I've made. I have to take it day to day, listen to my body and take care of myself.
Truly, I feel like hello god, it's me - is anybody listening????? Am I just being one big ole wimp?
