Friendship

I have a refrigerator magnet that says "True friends listen to what no one else wants to hear." It was given to me by a true friend, and the saying resonates for me.

I've been wanting to blog about friendship since it's such an important part of our lives as women, and having been ill for so long I have numerous experiences - both good and bad - regarding friendship. But I feel the need to dig deeper and I hope I can adequately express my feelings on the subject.

I have very few long-term friends. One, who reads my blog has been my friend since we were 13. She, too is a registered nurse. We've both been through a lot together and our friendship comes and goes - we've gone long periods without communication and then have periods of intense communication. She's a true friend in every sense of the word. I don't have to "go steady" with her to be her friend. Wherever I am, I can pick up the phone and it's as if we've never been apart. Now THAT's a great friend (love you, DS).

I also have quite a few of what I'd call close friends - women I can talk to very openly - but don't hang out with often. If you're a mother, you know that many of these types of friends are the mothers of your kids' friends - and you either love them or, well for lack of better word - hate them. I'm lucky to have a handful of these great friends. I don't see or talk to them often, but when I do we have a wonderful time together.

Then there are the more difficult friendships. I've had my share - people with whom you've been very close for long periods of time and they know your deepest parts but for some reason they can't hang in there with you when times get rough, or they betray you or do something that ends the friendship. Those experiences are painful and I've had a handful of those over the years as well. Just recently I decided to end one of those friendships...quietly, without fanfare. it is sad.

There's also another category of friends that we don't often think about, but I'm going to be bold and just say it. Friends who are only your "friends" because of what they can get from being your friend. Sadly, I've had some of these along the way....users...who are just in it for their selfish reasons. I usually figure it out pretty quickly and distance myself. (hint: it's also pretty obvious when they don't pick up or return your phone calls.) Yes, I've given of myself only to realize that I was being used and ultimately these women don't really care on a deep level.

But then there are the jewels of friendships, the deep loving friendships where you accept one another for who you are; you can simply be yourself and they are always there for you and vice-versa. I have a handful of these friends and I consider myself very blessed. I don't have a sister, so I call these my sister-friends. They're in it for the long haul and they want to walk side-by-side with you. They are the friends who will listen to what nobody else wants to hear. When you're having a really bad day, they don't offer platitudes; they listen. They encourage.
They cry with you, laugh with you and are present. These are the very best of friends, and my husband is also in this category although I don't call him a sister-friend (haha).

Some of my friends are as young as 18. Some are male. My oldest true friend is in her late 80's. Age is of no importance; it's the deep connection you share. Some are my kids' friends, whom I once shared a mom-type relationship that has blossomed into a true, lasting friendship. They too are jewels as you have the wonderful opportunity of seeing them mature into wonderful young adults.

Friendship is complicated, can be painful and yet is one of life's greatest treasures. And....a true friend really is someone who listens to what no one else wants to hear.

Tears and jewels

I was reading this morning and I read about Pebble Beach in California. If you've ever been there it's quite spectacular, especially the rocks (pebbles). It's aptly named because the rocks are constantly being polished by the surf and many people collect them due to their perfect smoothness and shine. I love collecting rocks and could spend days on end trying to find the perfect rock to add to my collection. My favorite place is the shore of Lake Superior.

As I continued in my reading, the gist of the reading is that most people don't really become beautiful on the inside without going through trials in their life. I totally agree; I wouldn't be who I am today were in not for all the difficulties and challenges I've faced in my life. But one thing I'd trained myself not to do was cry. I learned at a very young age that crying was not good and learned to hold it in. In many ways this learned behavior has helped me a lot; I never lost my composure when I was a nurse and I've seen hundreds of people die in the most horrific of circumstances. And throughout family crises, I appeared to be the stoic rock.

But overall, I think not crying has been bad for me. I held things in far too much and didn't allow myself to grieve. I've had so many losses over the last 4-1/2 years and only recently have I allowed myself to cry. For the last 6 months, I've cried a LOT. I cried pretty much the entire month of January. I needed to grieve properly - not only for the losses my illness have brought, but for a whole lifetime of pent-up grief. Now I cry easily and freely and it's a good thing.

My reading ended with this saying, " Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears." That struck a chord within me today. I'm so glad I learned to allow myself to cry.

Hair

I had my hair done today. Thinking back, I sure have had many iterations of hairdos. I had straight blonde hair as a child, stereotypical long hair in high school (70's) and then went to short hair in 1987 after I had my 3rd child. Each pregnancy seemed to darken my hair slightly, turning it a dirty blonde by the time my 4th and last child was born. It was a very drab color, so I've had it colored blonde most of the time since. I did go dark once and didn't like it. Until I began treatment in 2006, I did not truly know what color my "real" hair was anymore. I lost most of my hair during treatment. It came out in patches and I finally shaved the rest off. Same thing during my second round, but that time all of my hair fell out. I got a wig to wear in public so as not to scare people, but went around bald at home. I tell ya, men have it made. Being bald = hair freedom. When my hair started coming back it was the strangest thing: it was white and fuzzy/curly. Then it kinda got wavy and was gray/ash. It was hideous so I grew it back and saw the "real" color (horrible) for the first time in years. Once it got long enough, I had it colored and have since. Well, I am really going gray now, well actually white. My dad has pure white hair - the kind that is beautiful, pure white. My hair is much more gray now than my 77 year-old mother's is so I'm thinking my hair is more like my dad and once it's all white, I'm going to stop coloring it. My hairdresser will know and doesn't think it will be too long. Wow, all white hair. I'm getting old and that's a good thing!

My place of worship

My husband and I were able to take that kayak trip today; we just returned. I slept well and woke up feeling rested. He was up and getting everything ready. We have a favorite spot to kayak and usually go 2-3 times a year. It's so secluded and it's actually a protected nature sanctuary. This time we tried something different - instead of going one way with the current and then riding bikes back to the car, we turned around and paddled against the current. Is was the perfect day to do so; the wind was coming in strongly from the west and overcame the current of the river. I just love nature...love love love it. I can't go very long without getting into the woods. Before I was sick, I carried a pair of X-country skis in my car during winter and my hiking boots and smartwools during summer in case I got the urge on my way home from work (which I often did). Nature is definitely balm for my spirit, just as good as any church service. I am so thankful I felt well enough to go.

This week I am hoping to get the diabetes thing figured out. I'm having bloodwork again on Wed. and I'm going to try to see my doctor before the end of the week. I'm hoping he will let me have a glucometer to take home and keep a diary of my blood sugars for a couple of weeks. I am hoping that it was high due to bodily stress from another virus. It's certainly possible, so I want to be absolutely sure before I begin any diabetes medication. I don't want another diagnosis, but I'll deal with whatever it is. It's going to be so hard to forego eating chocolate! Grrrr.........

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July! I have a confession - the 4th is not my favorite holiday. I love fireworks and what the holiday represents and I try to think of those who have served our country to maintain the freedom we enjoy. I'd like to give a special shout out to my oldest daughter who served in the US Navy 2000-2004 ; she was stationed in Sigonella Sicily during the war as she was in active duty on 9/11. Four men in her squadron were killed. I know what it's like to be a military mom and I salute all the men and women who have served or who are currently serving.

What I do not like is our neighborhood during this weekend. Everyone on the lake tries to shoot illegal fireworks as they simply fall into the water if things go awry. It's very noisy and goes on to the wee hours of the night, usually robbing me of much needed sleep. We even have one neighbor with a bonafide cannon he shoots off each July 4th. It makes our house shake. I've always been a "jumpy" person so it is very uncomfortable for me, and it's not just a one day event either-it all started a few nights ago and will continue through tomorrow night I'm certain.

I've tried to take it easy today - I sat out by the lake, swam in the pool and made a nice lunch but I am exhausted. It's so frustrating how just the smallest things can poop me out. So here I am resting, hoping for that kayak trip tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy the holiday!

It's always something

My husband & I had decided to clean house today. He's great about helping and my house is simply too overwhelming for me to do alone. It was built in 1897 and has all the charm of an old home, but it has 6 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms. If I clean it myself it takes me more than a day. It was nice because it took both of us about 4 hours working together. But now that we are done, I am absolutely whipped and not feeling well at all. I should also mention that we took an early morning bike ride - it is beautiful outside. Perhaps I've overdone it & I simply need to rest. We've lived in this house 23 years and it's all the kids know; its a cozy, charming home. Not fancy - just right and best of all, it's paid for. I've asked my husband to promise me never to sell it; our kids are very attached and once I am gone I want them to still have the house and all the memories here. It's setup perfectly for a single person to live on just the main floor itself. So, he has promised. That's all I've asked of him as far as promises.

Something I've got to pay close attention to is pacing myself. For example, we are planning on kayaking on Monday (double kayak, so I can get lazy if I want) which means I need to rest most of the day tomorrow. I've found what works well for me. The most predominant symptom of Hep C is fatigue, and sometimes it is overwhelming. It feels like being hit by a train - or running into a wall. It's not a need of sleep; it's a need of rest. Anyone who knew me before knows I am a bundle of high-energy so this has been a HUGE adjustment, but I think I've got it down. I sure am hoping for that kayak trip on Monday because it's my favorite spot; a winding, wooded river that is very secluded and teeming with wildlife. We've also never encountered other kayakers there. It's a 4-hour trip and there is not a house or any sign of civilization to be seen until the very end. I just love it. If you keep going, the river feeds into Lake Michigan. Before I was sick, a friend and I kayaked the entire river, went all the way to Lake Michigan and kayaked north to the beach. I could never,ever do that now - that's when I was in top physical condition. But I'm glad we did it because it's a great memory.

And we have a nice 4-day weekend next weekend too - we've planned a little getaway, just my husband and I. I'm excited about that. I did hear from my mountain man backpacker son - he took a zero day (day off from hiking to do laundry, shower, get a hotel, resupply, etc.) and let me know how it's going. He's having a great time and has met a few people along the way. 6 years ago, I'd have gone with him - I can hardly stand it because I love the outdoors, but it's one of those things I've had to give up and I find less grueling ways to get myself out into nature. I cannot live without the great outdoors, and my love for it was a gift from my grandfather. He and grandma lived on a non-operational farm and he spent his time making trails for us through the woods. We'd go over to visit and he would walk us through, pointing out every beehive, bird's nest, type of fungi, etc. I am eternally grateful to him for instilling that love of nature in me. He's been gone 27 years now and I still miss him a lot. Thinking of you today, Grandpa. A German immigrant and man of few words.

I love my hometown

Had a lovely day in paradise. I added the aerial view of my town to the right. If you were to physically turn around 180 degrees, you would see a small strip of land and then Lake Michigan (shown in the picture below). Lake Michigan looks exactly like the ocean - you cannot tell them apart. The BIG difference is the water is freshwater, not salt water. Much better for swimming! My home is in the center of the photo about 1/4 of the way down from the top. You can see a few boats in the water in front of where my home lies. This is what I see every day and it is truly beautiful. Our house faces west so we see spectacular sunsets over the lake every night. Some are so beautiful they take my breath away. Thanks to my friend Kelly for such a lovely day at her home. I am tired from sitting in the sun, but it was totally worth it.