Tears and jewels

I was reading this morning and I read about Pebble Beach in California. If you've ever been there it's quite spectacular, especially the rocks (pebbles). It's aptly named because the rocks are constantly being polished by the surf and many people collect them due to their perfect smoothness and shine. I love collecting rocks and could spend days on end trying to find the perfect rock to add to my collection. My favorite place is the shore of Lake Superior.

As I continued in my reading, the gist of the reading is that most people don't really become beautiful on the inside without going through trials in their life. I totally agree; I wouldn't be who I am today were in not for all the difficulties and challenges I've faced in my life. But one thing I'd trained myself not to do was cry. I learned at a very young age that crying was not good and learned to hold it in. In many ways this learned behavior has helped me a lot; I never lost my composure when I was a nurse and I've seen hundreds of people die in the most horrific of circumstances. And throughout family crises, I appeared to be the stoic rock.

But overall, I think not crying has been bad for me. I held things in far too much and didn't allow myself to grieve. I've had so many losses over the last 4-1/2 years and only recently have I allowed myself to cry. For the last 6 months, I've cried a LOT. I cried pretty much the entire month of January. I needed to grieve properly - not only for the losses my illness have brought, but for a whole lifetime of pent-up grief. Now I cry easily and freely and it's a good thing.

My reading ended with this saying, " Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears." That struck a chord within me today. I'm so glad I learned to allow myself to cry.