A big scare

My son was involved in a serious car accident while driving home from his hiking trip in Vermont. The accident occurred only 7 miles from home. In Michigan there is a saying, "there are two seasons in Michigan; winter and road construction." He was stopped on the highway in a traffic jam at a road construction site; the driver behind him was not paying attention and rear-ended him without braking at all. The impact sent him into the guardrail which he totally destroyed but thankfully it prevented him from going straight into incoming traffic. He got a pretty good case of whiplash and is pretty sore, but okay. His car is ruined. I am just so very thankful that he is okay. Also, I would like to have something really great happen to me! Like tonight or tomorrow!

Zig-zagging around

My husband and I just returned from a lovely 2-day getaway. We had such a great time even though it's difficult for me to have 2 consecutive days of that much activity. Each day required walking a lot and I kinda pooped out yesterday and didn't feel very well. I slept terribly last night and I'm just going to take it easy today and putz around the house. We're in another heat/humidity wave here again so I am thankful for AC. Before I became ill, I loved hot weather like this. Now it's hard for me to handle.

I returned home to find to an email from one of my kids who is having very serious problems. Out of respect I am not going to give detail but this grown child of mine is making very bad decisions and has fallen into a pattern that my husband and I could not ignore any longer, so we "called them out" on it and described our concerns. We KNOW we are doing the right thing but I truly think this is one of the most difficult things I've had to do and my child is not responding in the manner we'd hoped. My heart is breaking. It's hard to sit by and watch your child self destruct but once they are an adult there's not a whole lot a parent can do if the child is rejecting help.

So I have a very heavy heart today and I'll be putz'n around the house crying a lot. It's going to be a hard day for me and I have to be so careful to take tender care of myself so I don't get sick again. I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Church

I attended an actual church service today (by choice!) for the first time in many, many years. This journey of life is mostly spiritual, and there's nothing like a life-threatening illness to force you into reflective thinking about "religion." I was raised a fundamental Baptist and I can tell you, that's not for me. My husband and I raised our children in a non-denominational church that we LOVED and was perfect for us until a major shakeup changed it's course, and we quietly left (as did many others, some not so quietly). Since that time I do not attend church at all. If I enter an evangelical-type church I feel triggered and traumatized. So, it's a brave thing for me just to go when I have no idea what to expect.

As I was lying in bed more than not over the last 4-1/2 years, I've had plenty of time to assess my spirituality. I am not going to go into detail here because it's such a personal topic and I don't want to offend. But I believe it is absolutely necessary to reflect on our spirits and what this life is about, whether you choose organized religion or not. I don't think anyone EVER arrives at THE ANSWER that is 100% correct; in fact, people who do really scare me. There's always mystery. Always. And for me, that's part of the beauty in it.

I loved the church I attended today, just loved it. I had thoroughly researched it ahead of time and it was perfect for me. I wrote a letter to church leaders asking to meet so I can get my questions answered. There were many friendly faces there. Who'd have ever thought, but I think I'll be joining this church. It's just so right for me at this period of time. I hope each of you also finds your perfect place, and that's so deeply personal. But the important thing is to simply seek. Be a seeker and find your sacred place where your soul is nourished.

Thinking & worrying

I've been thinking about where I was last year at this time - how I was doing, and I've realized that my illness really has progressed quite a bit from where I was last summer. No doubt about it, I'm becoming more sick. I'm getting closer to not being able to do much by myself unless I do it first thing in the morning (when I'm at my best) - usually before noon. After that, most things are near impossible without help. My husband has been great about helping me and we talked a lot last night about the future and knowing that at some point I'll need a caregiver. I'm not there yet; right now what I need more is a driver. It's surprising just how exhausting driving can be. My husband drove me to all my appointments this week because I just didn't feel well enough to be as alert as needed. I take driving very seriously - I will not drive if I take a pain pill nor will I drive if I don't feel well because I know I simply don't have the concentration.

But mostly today, I have a heavy heart. I can't say too much but I am VERY concerned about one of my children who is self-destructing. No matter how old our children are we never stop being their mother (my mother tells me this all the time now - she worries about me a lot). So, please send your positive thoughts and prayers for my adult child who is really struggling. And maybe, just maybe something will happen to make a change.

Health Update

I saw my dr. this morning. He did an A1C test on me, which shows the percentage in blood glucose fluctuations over a 3 month average. Normal is 4-6; mine was 6.8. This means I am borderline type II diabetic and heading more in that direction. When your body is under stress (anyone, even a healthy person) your liver adjusts to provide extra glucose to give you energy. Since my liver is becoming more scarred each day, it's unable to adjust as quickly. I don't need to take meds yet - but I probably will sometime in the future. So for now, just keep doing what I do.

He's quite certain I had a very bad virus and it'll be another 2 weeks or so before I get all my strength back. I lost 6 more lbs. since May, I'm getting darn near thin. I had to go out and buy some new shorts this week since the ones I had last summer were literally falling off my hips. Everyone keeps telling me, "You look GREAT!" because I am so much thinner and tan. Ha! If only they knew that the weight loss is not from a good cause and the "tan" is a little bit of jaundice they might understand that looks are deceiving.

I did hear from my backpacking son last night. He figures it will be 6 more days til he is done. He was on a mountaintop all by himself. He's spent entire days not seeing a soul. He did come across a large bull moose and got within 12 ft. - said he got some great pics. I'll just be glad when he's home. I admire his hobbies and admit I am a bit jealous, but there's always that worry back in there when he's hiking solo. Motherly instincts.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll be trying to do a few fun things while resting (as ordered) in between.

Friendship

I have a refrigerator magnet that says "True friends listen to what no one else wants to hear." It was given to me by a true friend, and the saying resonates for me.

I've been wanting to blog about friendship since it's such an important part of our lives as women, and having been ill for so long I have numerous experiences - both good and bad - regarding friendship. But I feel the need to dig deeper and I hope I can adequately express my feelings on the subject.

I have very few long-term friends. One, who reads my blog has been my friend since we were 13. She, too is a registered nurse. We've both been through a lot together and our friendship comes and goes - we've gone long periods without communication and then have periods of intense communication. She's a true friend in every sense of the word. I don't have to "go steady" with her to be her friend. Wherever I am, I can pick up the phone and it's as if we've never been apart. Now THAT's a great friend (love you, DS).

I also have quite a few of what I'd call close friends - women I can talk to very openly - but don't hang out with often. If you're a mother, you know that many of these types of friends are the mothers of your kids' friends - and you either love them or, well for lack of better word - hate them. I'm lucky to have a handful of these great friends. I don't see or talk to them often, but when I do we have a wonderful time together.

Then there are the more difficult friendships. I've had my share - people with whom you've been very close for long periods of time and they know your deepest parts but for some reason they can't hang in there with you when times get rough, or they betray you or do something that ends the friendship. Those experiences are painful and I've had a handful of those over the years as well. Just recently I decided to end one of those friendships...quietly, without fanfare. it is sad.

There's also another category of friends that we don't often think about, but I'm going to be bold and just say it. Friends who are only your "friends" because of what they can get from being your friend. Sadly, I've had some of these along the way....users...who are just in it for their selfish reasons. I usually figure it out pretty quickly and distance myself. (hint: it's also pretty obvious when they don't pick up or return your phone calls.) Yes, I've given of myself only to realize that I was being used and ultimately these women don't really care on a deep level.

But then there are the jewels of friendships, the deep loving friendships where you accept one another for who you are; you can simply be yourself and they are always there for you and vice-versa. I have a handful of these friends and I consider myself very blessed. I don't have a sister, so I call these my sister-friends. They're in it for the long haul and they want to walk side-by-side with you. They are the friends who will listen to what nobody else wants to hear. When you're having a really bad day, they don't offer platitudes; they listen. They encourage.
They cry with you, laugh with you and are present. These are the very best of friends, and my husband is also in this category although I don't call him a sister-friend (haha).

Some of my friends are as young as 18. Some are male. My oldest true friend is in her late 80's. Age is of no importance; it's the deep connection you share. Some are my kids' friends, whom I once shared a mom-type relationship that has blossomed into a true, lasting friendship. They too are jewels as you have the wonderful opportunity of seeing them mature into wonderful young adults.

Friendship is complicated, can be painful and yet is one of life's greatest treasures. And....a true friend really is someone who listens to what no one else wants to hear.

Tears and jewels

I was reading this morning and I read about Pebble Beach in California. If you've ever been there it's quite spectacular, especially the rocks (pebbles). It's aptly named because the rocks are constantly being polished by the surf and many people collect them due to their perfect smoothness and shine. I love collecting rocks and could spend days on end trying to find the perfect rock to add to my collection. My favorite place is the shore of Lake Superior.

As I continued in my reading, the gist of the reading is that most people don't really become beautiful on the inside without going through trials in their life. I totally agree; I wouldn't be who I am today were in not for all the difficulties and challenges I've faced in my life. But one thing I'd trained myself not to do was cry. I learned at a very young age that crying was not good and learned to hold it in. In many ways this learned behavior has helped me a lot; I never lost my composure when I was a nurse and I've seen hundreds of people die in the most horrific of circumstances. And throughout family crises, I appeared to be the stoic rock.

But overall, I think not crying has been bad for me. I held things in far too much and didn't allow myself to grieve. I've had so many losses over the last 4-1/2 years and only recently have I allowed myself to cry. For the last 6 months, I've cried a LOT. I cried pretty much the entire month of January. I needed to grieve properly - not only for the losses my illness have brought, but for a whole lifetime of pent-up grief. Now I cry easily and freely and it's a good thing.

My reading ended with this saying, " Nearly all God's jewels are crystallized tears." That struck a chord within me today. I'm so glad I learned to allow myself to cry.