I love my hometown

Had a lovely day in paradise. I added the aerial view of my town to the right. If you were to physically turn around 180 degrees, you would see a small strip of land and then Lake Michigan (shown in the picture below). Lake Michigan looks exactly like the ocean - you cannot tell them apart. The BIG difference is the water is freshwater, not salt water. Much better for swimming! My home is in the center of the photo about 1/4 of the way down from the top. You can see a few boats in the water in front of where my home lies. This is what I see every day and it is truly beautiful. Our house faces west so we see spectacular sunsets over the lake every night. Some are so beautiful they take my breath away. Thanks to my friend Kelly for such a lovely day at her home. I am tired from sitting in the sun, but it was totally worth it.

Gaining strength

I am getting a bit stronger every day. (I had that terrible dream again last night - ugg). I am looking forward to the long weekend ahead - we have a perfect weather forecast and some fun plans. We are going kayaking and will definitely hike with the dogs as well as get some work done around the house. Slowly, slowly I am able to do a bit more each day.

Haven't heard from our hiker (he's hiking solo now, his cousin bailed out on him) but I have confidence in his abilities as he is very experienced. This hike is "easy" compared to some he's done. We've also been able to see our oldest son reach financial independence. Last school year, his teaching job was only 50%, so he was scraping by to pay bills and did not have health insurance. Now he knows he has a full-time teaching job and has full health and dental insurance. He's been driving around a clunker that keeps breaking down, but he had saved enough money to get a nice used car for himself. He transferred the title and got tags for it yesterday and he was grinnin' like a little kid. He's on his way.....

My friend Kelly invited me to her house to sit out on the beach today. We live in a beach town that is hoppin' all summer long. I never take for granted the beauty of the state of Michigan, with all the lakes, rivers, wooded areas and undeveloped land - I haven't found any place else I'd rather live. And we get all four seasons equally, which is something else I couldn't live without.
The picture I have posted is from my town. I get to see this every day if I want to. Again, so very blessed!

Rambling

This is going to contain a few unrelated topics; I realize I am rambling.

First, my garden is spectacular this year! I have a 1/2 lot perennial garden and it is just fantastic this year. The weather has been nice and the flowers are really filling in nicely. I've got fresh flower bouquets all over the house. It's the best it's ever been and I'm loving it!

Next, I keep having a recurring dream (so if any of you are dream interpreters, I'd love some insight). I keep dreaming that I am very sick and have a horrible disease. In my dream I am just devastated about it. Then, I wake up hoping it's a dream and realize it is not a dream, but it's real. It gives me a very sickening feeling inside. This has been going on for a few months now and I have the dream 3-5 times per week.

Last, I read a great quote yesterday:
Look into the depths of another's soul and listen, not only with our ears, but with our hearts and imagination, and our silent love ~ Jove Kanelakos

A better day

My potential new diagnosis is settling in and I'm sitting with it, starting to accept it. I didn't necessarily feel better today but I had a much better day. First, it was absolutely gorgeous outdoors. Next, my 19 -1/2 year old daughter spent nearly an hour on my bed chatting with me and it's so fun to see your children become adults when they are moving in a positive direction. She is such a motivated person - filled with goals, hopes and dreams. I was also able to get to the farmer's market, purchase a baby gift for a neighbor and chat with my favorite neighbor today. I also read an entire book (it was short) and made a nice, big dinner for my husband and daughter.

My oldest son received final confirmation on continuation of his full-time teaching job for the next school year. The economy is so bad in Michigan that many teachers were going to be cut; the legislature offered retirement incentives which allowed people like my son to keep his job. He will be teaching high school history and social studies during the next school year. We are so thankful.

I did some work on a consulting job as well. And....I cuddled up with my dogs - I just tried to live in the moment and enjoy what was going on. I consciously tried to think of all the blessings I have in my life and be thankful - in the moment - for everything good in my life. And there's a lot to be thankful for. All in all, the good far outweighs the bad and I am blessed.

Sadness

I really struggled today. I took one of those "I feel sorry for myself and I'm gonna cry and do what I feel like" days. I never allowed myself to do that before, but geeze - a person can only take so much. I also didn't feel great, just a so-so day.

I did get a few calls and one was from one of my dearest childhood friends I've remained in contact with my whole life. She, too is a nurse and lives in Texas. One of her colleagues also has Hep C - contracted via accidental needlestick (like me) - and took her first Interferon injection today, i.e. began her first day of treatment. My friend shared my blog and I'm so happy because I was hoping that others who were infected would find this place to share their stories. I won't use her name -but if you're reading this, I've been thinking about you all day. I remember my first injection of my first round of treatment. I was still working full-time and had no idea how it would affect me. I recall taking that syringe, plunging it into my abdomen and thinking "my life will never be the same." I wish you well and hope your side effects are minimal in the next 24 hours.

I was also thinking - isn't it just something that one little poke of one little needle one time can alter the course of another person's life forever? Who would ever think that health care is a dangerous field? Medical professionals are just out there doing their best all the time to help people and we often forget the dangers.

Feeling a whole lot of sadness today. Feeling very alone. Feeling like it just isn't fair and wondering why this all had to happen. There's an abundance of that in the world - the older we get, the more it piles up. People are out there suffering in ways that make mine look like a cakewalk. I heard a quote today and I will leave you with this:
Please God, if you send me a blessing - don't send it in disguise.
:)

Blood test

I received a call from my doctor's office today, delivering the results of my blood work last Friday. I am still in a state of utter shock. My blood glucose (blood sugar) was 200. This means only one thing: diabetes. I am stunned - I am very disciplined and eat very healthy, I have lost 50 lbs. in the past year and do not have a family history of diabetes. People with Hepatitis C, especially those with extensive liver damage are 3 times more likely to develop Type II diabetes than a healthy person. So I am now one of those statistics. People with Hepatitis C are also twice as likely to get kidney cancer and seven times more likely to get liver cancer.

And...I had this test done on Friday when I was feeling significantly better than I had been earlier in the week, so it's scary to think of what might have been going on in my body when I'd passed out cold two times. The symptoms I had make sense now.

I'm numb.

It's just unbelievable that one little needlestick that occurred many years ago could effect my life in such a profound manner. While trying to provide care and save a life, I contracted a disease that would ruin my life.

Now I will have to be tested further and make sure we've got the diagnosis right. There are other possibilities, but most likely I am now a Type II Diabetic.

I don't know what else to say.

Deciding to live

Since the failure of my second treatment ending in August 2008, I developed a different approach to life. I had lost so much and developed a subconscious mindset that I am now dying. It was tucked way back in there, but it was certainly my mindset.

When I was on treatment I'd decided that if it was successful, I would get a celebratory tattoo; something private and meaningful to remind me of all I'd been through. I am honestly not a tattoo person but I felt this occasion would be meaningful enough to get out of my comfort zone and get one. Since treatment was unsuccessful, it never happened. And....my thoughts were fixed on dying since I knew my liver was already in bad shape.

I had a sentinel event in January of this year that dramatically changed my thinking. I realized my subconscious thoughts about dying were wasting the precious time I have and I needed to focus on living and everything I still could do. It was a shift in thinking that took a lot of work on my part; a consciousness that required making many changes and a lot of spiritual work. I can say that I've been quite successful and it's made a huge difference. So............
I decided to get a tattoo! Why not? I felt it was important for me to focus on living, so I drafted an idea and made an appointment with a tattoo artist. A picture is shown to the right:
First, I wanted it to be in a place where I could see it but hide it easily (foot).
Second, I wanted it to hold meaning. I did a lot of research and found a Latin phrase "Memento vivere" which means "remember to live." And, being nature girl, the change of seasons hold great meaning for me and are symbolic of life. So those were incorporated into my body art. And last, my children have been a source of great strength at times. I've made important decisions based on trying to set a good example for them, so they are woven into the design.

It was a risk, of course, to get a tattoo with my disease. My doctor would have flipped out but I did not consult him. Being a nurse, I knew what needed to be done to ward off infection so I was careful to a fault. I am so glad I went ahead and got it done. Memento Vivere! .....heading out to take the dogs to the woods for a hike!!