Sadness

I really struggled today. I took one of those "I feel sorry for myself and I'm gonna cry and do what I feel like" days. I never allowed myself to do that before, but geeze - a person can only take so much. I also didn't feel great, just a so-so day.

I did get a few calls and one was from one of my dearest childhood friends I've remained in contact with my whole life. She, too is a nurse and lives in Texas. One of her colleagues also has Hep C - contracted via accidental needlestick (like me) - and took her first Interferon injection today, i.e. began her first day of treatment. My friend shared my blog and I'm so happy because I was hoping that others who were infected would find this place to share their stories. I won't use her name -but if you're reading this, I've been thinking about you all day. I remember my first injection of my first round of treatment. I was still working full-time and had no idea how it would affect me. I recall taking that syringe, plunging it into my abdomen and thinking "my life will never be the same." I wish you well and hope your side effects are minimal in the next 24 hours.

I was also thinking - isn't it just something that one little poke of one little needle one time can alter the course of another person's life forever? Who would ever think that health care is a dangerous field? Medical professionals are just out there doing their best all the time to help people and we often forget the dangers.

Feeling a whole lot of sadness today. Feeling very alone. Feeling like it just isn't fair and wondering why this all had to happen. There's an abundance of that in the world - the older we get, the more it piles up. People are out there suffering in ways that make mine look like a cakewalk. I heard a quote today and I will leave you with this:
Please God, if you send me a blessing - don't send it in disguise.
:)

Blood test

I received a call from my doctor's office today, delivering the results of my blood work last Friday. I am still in a state of utter shock. My blood glucose (blood sugar) was 200. This means only one thing: diabetes. I am stunned - I am very disciplined and eat very healthy, I have lost 50 lbs. in the past year and do not have a family history of diabetes. People with Hepatitis C, especially those with extensive liver damage are 3 times more likely to develop Type II diabetes than a healthy person. So I am now one of those statistics. People with Hepatitis C are also twice as likely to get kidney cancer and seven times more likely to get liver cancer.

And...I had this test done on Friday when I was feeling significantly better than I had been earlier in the week, so it's scary to think of what might have been going on in my body when I'd passed out cold two times. The symptoms I had make sense now.

I'm numb.

It's just unbelievable that one little needlestick that occurred many years ago could effect my life in such a profound manner. While trying to provide care and save a life, I contracted a disease that would ruin my life.

Now I will have to be tested further and make sure we've got the diagnosis right. There are other possibilities, but most likely I am now a Type II Diabetic.

I don't know what else to say.

Deciding to live

Since the failure of my second treatment ending in August 2008, I developed a different approach to life. I had lost so much and developed a subconscious mindset that I am now dying. It was tucked way back in there, but it was certainly my mindset.

When I was on treatment I'd decided that if it was successful, I would get a celebratory tattoo; something private and meaningful to remind me of all I'd been through. I am honestly not a tattoo person but I felt this occasion would be meaningful enough to get out of my comfort zone and get one. Since treatment was unsuccessful, it never happened. And....my thoughts were fixed on dying since I knew my liver was already in bad shape.

I had a sentinel event in January of this year that dramatically changed my thinking. I realized my subconscious thoughts about dying were wasting the precious time I have and I needed to focus on living and everything I still could do. It was a shift in thinking that took a lot of work on my part; a consciousness that required making many changes and a lot of spiritual work. I can say that I've been quite successful and it's made a huge difference. So............
I decided to get a tattoo! Why not? I felt it was important for me to focus on living, so I drafted an idea and made an appointment with a tattoo artist. A picture is shown to the right:
First, I wanted it to be in a place where I could see it but hide it easily (foot).
Second, I wanted it to hold meaning. I did a lot of research and found a Latin phrase "Memento vivere" which means "remember to live." And, being nature girl, the change of seasons hold great meaning for me and are symbolic of life. So those were incorporated into my body art. And last, my children have been a source of great strength at times. I've made important decisions based on trying to set a good example for them, so they are woven into the design.

It was a risk, of course, to get a tattoo with my disease. My doctor would have flipped out but I did not consult him. Being a nurse, I knew what needed to be done to ward off infection so I was careful to a fault. I am so glad I went ahead and got it done. Memento Vivere! .....heading out to take the dogs to the woods for a hike!!

Getting there.

I think I'm getting better. I was able to complete all the laundry yesterday (6 beds + towels + regular laundry) and make up all the beds fresh. It took me all day with numerous breaks/naps in between, but I would not have been able to do that a week ago. This is my week to clean house and the weather forecast is spectacular so I decided to heck with it; I'm not cleaning. I'm going to have fun! Fun for me is hiking with my dogs, kayaking, lunch with friends, baking, reading and laying in my pool.

I am also tracking my son's progress on the Long Trail in VT. He is my son for sure because this is the kind of stuff I like to do/used to do before getting sick. Our kids have been virtually everywhere hiking and backpacking - all 48 lower states and overseas as well. There's a guy who blogged/photographed his hike so I am following along day by day to see what
my son & my nephew are seeing. If you're interested, the URL is: http://www.downthetrail.com/the-long-trail/
However; they are going in the opposite direction so you have to begin with his last day and work backward.

This week I've been reminded that "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK." A friend of my daughter's -
essentially orphaned (mom died, never knew dad), living with relatives - was thrown out for getting a body piercing. The relatives even called the police, who sided with the young lady. We've offered our home to her (standing offer for several years). It may come to be, who knows. But she truly has nobody in the world except her friends and a few of us moms who've adopted her. I call her every Sunday and have done so for over a year now. I don't get her relatives or her "dad" (who I call her sperm donor, because he is unworthy of the title) who tell her she is disgusting, a loser, fat and stupid. And she is none of those. In fact, she achieved academic honors in her freshman year at Michigan State University. I don't understand mean people. The whole concept of "evil" is something I don't like thinking about but ponder a lot.

I am praying for a better week. I can't believe next weekend is 4th of July!

Hurry up and wait....

Still not feeling well. Not getting worse, but no improvement either. I had a bunch of blood work done yesterday and did not get results yet. My doctor took a couple of days off so unless there's something alarming I probably won't hear until Monday.


Our oldest son (a high school teacher and football coach) has been here with some of the guys on his football team for a couple of days. He lined up a few 7 on 7's with local schools and they are having fun in vacation land. I forgot what it's like to have a house full of 16-17 year old boys. They are LOUD and rowdy! They leave this morning to head up to another day of 7 on 7's and then go back home. I'll have quite a bit of laundry to do - sheets, towels, etc. It's fun to see him interact with the boys as an authority figure. It's obvious they love him and he loves what he's doing.

Our younger son set off on a 3-week hike of the Long Trail in Vermont with his cousin. I won't have much contact with him but I do know he arrived safely. I am excited he found time to get out in the wilderness.

I can't leave out my daughters - but they don't have much news. My younger daughter is taking Calculus at the Community College just to knock off a class to lighten her load during the school year. The class is compressed, so it's fast-paced. Between that and working 40+ hours a week, she is a very busy young lady. Our oldest daughter has a birthday in a couple of weeks - she turns 28!

I'll keep you posted when I get results from my lab tests. Enjoy your weekend!

A Rough Patch

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been awfully sick. "something" hit me late last week and I'm still recovering. Last June I had a bout of septicemia (blood infection) and was initially concerned this might be the case once again, but I don't think it is. So I've been laying low and resting a lot. I'm not really feeling up to visits or calls, but appreciate your thoughts and prayers. These bouts usually take a couple of weeks to fully recover, so I hope I am in recovery mode.

The hardest part is constantly living with not feeling well. I never feel well; it's all relative. My best day would probably translate into a day in bed for you with the flu. Such it is.
I'll post more regularly when I'm feeling better. It's just so discouraging after having a good month of feeling the best I had felt in 5 years. I had hoped it would persist, but feared it might be the proverbial calm before the storm.

Time to nap.

Hallelujah! I slept all night! I am so incredibly thankful this morning! I didn't think I'd sleep too well after watching the Lakers beat the Celtics (I am not a Celtics fan; I'm a Laker hater). I can't describe how horrible I felt last night - absolutely awful. I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep. And..I couldn't; I felt like I had the flu and had a terrible headache to boot. So I did something I never do: I took a pain pill a voila! I slept! I woke up to early morning thunderstorms, which I love and walked downstairs to find two of my kids up eating breakfast. (Our younger son had spent the night).

I HOPE THIS IS THE START TO A GREAT WEEKEND! I'm looking forward to all the surprises the kids and I have in store for my husband on Father's Day and excited about celebrating.
I hope that one good night of sleep is the the first of many to come.