A long awaited Friday

It's Friday, October 15. I've been waiting - planning for this day for months. We have family visiting from California and planned to head up north to see the colors (at their peak in Michigan now) as well as to go to our son's football game. He's the Varsity coach and high school teacher in a town about 3 hours away. I so look forward to watching him coach and the way the boys look up to him; he always tells me "I'm living my dream, mom." What more could I ask for?

I woke up feeling okay but as the day progressed, the worse I felt. I am still not recovered from our vacation. It's a feeling I hope I can adequately convey in the book I'm writing; it's very difficult to put it into words. When we were on vacation I pushed myself every day. I couldn't just wake up, slowly work my way into the day and go from there. I didn't want to miss anything so I forced myself up and out the door. I really had to push hard and most days I didn't really turn the corner until well after noon. But I just couldn't squander the opportunity of seeing all that beauty. And doing so has had a price: I'm still exhausted 2 weeks later - trying hard to get myself back into a rhythm.

Today was one of those days. While my heart and head wanted to feel well enough to go, my body was not cooperating. I hoped if I just took it easy this morning I could hang in there and things would improve. Instead....they got worse and by 2PM I knew I would really be pushing it to go. I don't generally do anything at all after 7PM, so that was a stretch all by itself just thinking I could go to a football game starting at 7 and ending around 9:30. I finally had to make the call and decided it best to stay back. My biggest fear is overdoing it and either 1) feeling so sick tomorrow I could barely get out of bed and/or 2) taking another week to recoup the strength I lost by pushing so hard. My husband & I agreed that this was best for me. He left. I cried. I'm alone for the next 24 hours except for my dogs.

I'm coming up on 5 years since I became ill. My crying lasted all of 3 minutes. I'm accustomed to this; it's part of my life now. I miss things that are important to me. And it just sucks.