A little piece of me is gone. Forever.

Nursing is an art: and, if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion, as hard a preparation as any painter’s or sculptor’s work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or cold marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God’s spirit? It is one of the Fine Arts: I had almost said, the finest of the Fine Arts.”
Florence Nightingale, 1868

Many tears.

Well, here goes

I had the adrenal stimulation test and it was normal. It wasn't too bad. Then I had an ultrasound of my spleen and liver, which you wouldn't think would be bad but it was very uncomfortable as they moved the hand-held device over my abdomen, pushing down on a few very sore areas. It left me with a tender abdomen. My doctor's office called last evening to say that the ultrasound didn't show anything shocking, just what it usually looks like (enlarged spleen, cirrhosis, etc.).

So, I have no answers for now. I am simply exhausted and still feel like something is not right. It's just not normal to get petechiae on your legs unless your platelet count is VERY low. Mine is low, but not that low. And other symptoms I am having do not have any explanation. So, now it's just wait.

After a rough evening, I slept well and feel a bit better today. I'm hoping that this was just a virus or flu or something like that. I'll keep you posted with new developments.

Latent side effects to treatment

I am about 6 weeks away from being off standardized pegylated interferon/ribavirin treatment for 3 years. I should have read the fine print describing the side effects that could be caused but not surface for years.

One of those is adrenal insufficiency (also known as Addison's Disease). This is what my doctor thinks may be causing my current symptoms. Interferon treatment is known to cause this disease months or years after treatment completion. I was on interferon for 18 months, not to mention our body's natural interferon which is being released in high quantities just to fight the HCV in our bodies.

A little honesty here: I am scared to death. I've had 2 acute episodes, the second being today. It is horrible' just look up "Adrenal Crisis" and it's a less acute form of that. I have an overwhelming feeling that I am dying. Duh, I AM dying. But this is different; it feels more imminent and real.

My oldest son has met someone and it is very serious. My youngest son has had a serious girlfriend for 3 years. Mom instincts tell me these are the "ones." I feel blessed that I've gotten to know them. Things are going better with my youngest daughter. We are all speaking more openly, as I am beginning to look ill. I am smaller than both daughters and they are both tiny. When the kids see me, it's shocking.

If you have a moment, while you're praying or sending positive energy out to those who really need it, I'd appreciate it if you'd briefly send one my way. I will be admitted on the 22nd and undergo a series of tests. Not all are for adrenal insufficiency. I have other issues that I am being checked for and it's going to be very unpleasant. I could get very bad news (this is where it SUCKS to be a nurse) and I'll admit - I'm scared.

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No longer a nurse

Well, it's official. I no longer have a job and therefore, I am no longer a practicing nurse. My legs were both just cut off at the knees. I've been doing consulting work consistently for the past 2 years for the same organization, who informed me that my contract is over and thanked me for my service. I looked back at the original training and contract; I neglected to see that it was 2 years. At the time, about 15 Advanced practice nurses underwent training for the consulting role and we all just got our letters thanking us for our service. Problem is, most of them are working. It was all I had.

I did just renew my specialty certification as a clinical nurse specialist and nurse practitioner; I worked really hard to ensure I'd meet the criteria to renew. So, I'll have those credentials for another 5 years and many would think it was stupid (because the cost was $350), it was a matter of pride for me. But I know it will be the last time; I won't have the required practice hours going forward.

Am I still a nurse? Sure. But am I really a nurse? Not any more. Another loss: check.

whew

I am really sick. That's it, just plain sick as hell. I've been sleeping, but there's almost a constant awareness that things in my body are horribly wrong, even in my sleep. I wake up feeling awful. It takes every ounce of my energy to get out of bed and I'm in terrible pain - even with the patch. I'm scheduled to go into the hospital on the 22nd, and when I asked my doctor what I was supposed to do between now and then, he said to drug myself to oblivion - just to stay as comfortable as possible. I've been doing that but it wears off, it lapses and mornings are just so darn difficult.

I've never felt more like I'm dying than I do now.

I used to wake up feeling lousy and have the ability to get up and push through it. Not anymore. I'm not depressed, I have things I am excited about, a great book I'm reading and God his here with me so close. I also have the best spouse in the world, but boy oh boy is this wearing him down and I can see it on his face and read it in his every movement. He's worried.

So, I'm basically a drugged up person with a serious disease that's progressing and probably have 1 or 2 new diseases to add that haven't yet been confirmed but are caused by my disease.

I'm afraid to be alone.

The Society of Those Who Have Suffered would understand. I'm just hoping to get through the week and up to our cabin. I love my home, but for some strange reason I feel better there. Maybe because it's in the woods and so serene.

If both suspected diagnoses are confirmed, there is treatment. My pile of daily medications is growing into a huge pile and more will be added. But I can't shake this body feeling of death. It's just all so sad for everyone around me.

Update. Not good.

My vacation was cut short due to an acute episode in which I became very ill. I experienced a sudden onset of a drenching sweat, dizziness, and palpitations (feeling of the heart beating weird) with an overwhelming feeling that I was going to pass out and die. My husband helped me crawl into the bed, where my heart continued to beat very slowly. Earlier in the day I'd felt feverish and was retaining fluid in my legs, arms and face. All were very puffy with pitting edema (fluid retention that is pronounced - when you push on the area it leaves a dent that takes a while to pop back to normal). I said goodbye to Bill and told him to make sure he told the kids how much I love them. Then I began to experience sudden, severe surges of adrenaline with shaking and extreme anxiety. After taking many meds it did calm down a bit but I still felt awful the next day and peed constantly.

I hadn't yet told my doctor about the petechiae in my legs, so I decided it was time to pay him a visit. The short version is that he thinks I have developed Addison's Disease (adrenal insufficiency) and he was alarmed when he palpated my abdomen to feel how enlarged my spleen had become. Addison's (President Kennedy had this disease altho it was kept quiet while he was President) could be caused from one of three ways in people with my history. The petechiae was most likely from low platelets.

I had a battery of blood tests and am going into the hospital on the 22nd for a bunch of in-depth studies to see what's going on. Today I learned that my platelet count is <100,000, which is right where a person would get petechiae. In the meantime, I am not supposed to drive except brief errands, no lifting over 10 lbs and not be alone for extended periods. And, I am supposed to rest as much as possible.

I will admit it has been a bit scary. It's all just a sign of advancing disease. I think I am handling it well emotionally and I am following doctor's orders.....but I'd appreciate a prayer and positive energy. Neither issues is minor for me or my family.