I've had one of the most stressful weeks of my entire life. I made a very difficult decision that will have a life-altering effect. This decision is final and there is no turning back. I've been reading a book about living with serious chronic illness, and I read the following passage last night. The author is talking about the pleasantry of people asking the simple question, "how are you?".....(an excerpt):
But unfortunately, as a disabled person I often feel deprived of conversation, , not about diagnosis or medical details, not as a complaint but rather, as a basic need to tell my story. The hard work of my everyday life is invisible to people who enjoy good health, because they have the very human propensity of taking their ease for granted. It's difficult to share with a healthy person such triumphs as walking around the block, or having a pain-free night. I also want to speak about how suffering has transformed me; illness is a school that yields surprising insights. ~ Marguerite Guzman Bouvard
I find that I prefer to be alone, and that when I'm with people I enjoy discussing rather deep subject matter. The latest fad in nail polish or tabloid story holds little interest for me (well, it never did but now I have even less tolerance for it). I want to get right to the heart of the matter and talk about things that are important. I feel compelled to announce,'I love you' when I am with a person I truly love and let them know how they have made a difference in my life.
The past 5 days have been incredibly difficult and I'm frazzled, worn-out and one step away from falling apart completely. My shell is cracked and everything inside is ready to spill out; only a thin membrane is holding everything in. Many big changes lie in the week ahead. My daughter heads back for her sophomore year of college. My son is returning home tomorrow (1 week early) from his hiking trip because his girlfriend became ill with giardia. The decision I made will begin to sink in. And life goes on...while I pick myself up and try not to break.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
The week is ending..
The end of the week is here, and it's been a bit of a challenge for me. My main problem has been pain management. I checked in with some folks on a Hep C forum and while not uncommon, not all people with Hep C have pain. I got pain from day 1. My case is quite unusual.
Most people with Hep C have it and do not know it; it generally takes 20-30 years for the liver to sustain enough damage to manifest symptoms. And even when these symptoms arise, they are usually subtle and the diagnosis is an "incidental" finding as people are not routinely screened for the virus. It's highly unusual to have acute symptoms. So here I am - once again, highly unusual. Go figure. (but most people who know me would say I AM highly unusual, something I take as a compliment).
I can state the date, place and time I became ill. I was home alone with my youngest daughter - then a freshman in high school, when I suddenly felt my heart begin racing super fast. I immediately got a severe headache - the worst in my life, and felt like I was going to pass out. I checked my pulse - it was around 200. I told my daughter to call 911 if I passed out and she looked at me as though I'd gone loony, but once she saw the expression on my face she knew it was no joke. I got down on the floor and I can't explain the feeling - I thought I was dying. I never passed out, but the whole ordeal was odd and I told my husband when he got home what had happened. I still wasn't feeling well and passed it off thinking I was coming down with something. This was in December 2005, and not wanting to ruin the holidays I just kept my "weird" symptoms to myself. But I kept getting sicker with body aches, fever, abdominal pan, headaches and overwhelming fatigue. I had a job with a great deal of responsibility and kept going to work, trying to hide how I was feeling. I told my husband something was wrong, but decided to wait until after the holidays to get checked. I knew that it was serious; I could just tell by the way I was feeling this was not the flu. My diagnosis came in January 2006.
I can honestly say I have not had one day since that time in which I could say I felt well. I don't think I'd recognize it anymore.
I made 2 lists this week: one was a list of all the things I am currently struggling with. Some are within my control, but most are not. The other list are the positive things in my life, and it was really long. I am grateful for the abundance of good things in my life and I need to focus on those. Some are: my wonderful spouse, the new church I've found that feels like "home" to me, the beauty of nature which has and always will be a great source of joy and inspiration, a few great friends and my two furry dogs who make my days so fun - even when I'm struggling. Laughter is great balm for the soul.
Soon a new week will arrive. My youngest leaves for college - her last summer home. My backpacking son will return (after a 5-week, 500 mile hike). My husband and I are taking a little vacation. September is my favorite month of the whole year; it always feels like a new beginning. Time marches on and we never know what lies ahead of us....all we can do it our best and not look back. I choose to look forward with hope.
Most people with Hep C have it and do not know it; it generally takes 20-30 years for the liver to sustain enough damage to manifest symptoms. And even when these symptoms arise, they are usually subtle and the diagnosis is an "incidental" finding as people are not routinely screened for the virus. It's highly unusual to have acute symptoms. So here I am - once again, highly unusual. Go figure. (but most people who know me would say I AM highly unusual, something I take as a compliment).
I can state the date, place and time I became ill. I was home alone with my youngest daughter - then a freshman in high school, when I suddenly felt my heart begin racing super fast. I immediately got a severe headache - the worst in my life, and felt like I was going to pass out. I checked my pulse - it was around 200. I told my daughter to call 911 if I passed out and she looked at me as though I'd gone loony, but once she saw the expression on my face she knew it was no joke. I got down on the floor and I can't explain the feeling - I thought I was dying. I never passed out, but the whole ordeal was odd and I told my husband when he got home what had happened. I still wasn't feeling well and passed it off thinking I was coming down with something. This was in December 2005, and not wanting to ruin the holidays I just kept my "weird" symptoms to myself. But I kept getting sicker with body aches, fever, abdominal pan, headaches and overwhelming fatigue. I had a job with a great deal of responsibility and kept going to work, trying to hide how I was feeling. I told my husband something was wrong, but decided to wait until after the holidays to get checked. I knew that it was serious; I could just tell by the way I was feeling this was not the flu. My diagnosis came in January 2006.
I can honestly say I have not had one day since that time in which I could say I felt well. I don't think I'd recognize it anymore.
I made 2 lists this week: one was a list of all the things I am currently struggling with. Some are within my control, but most are not. The other list are the positive things in my life, and it was really long. I am grateful for the abundance of good things in my life and I need to focus on those. Some are: my wonderful spouse, the new church I've found that feels like "home" to me, the beauty of nature which has and always will be a great source of joy and inspiration, a few great friends and my two furry dogs who make my days so fun - even when I'm struggling. Laughter is great balm for the soul.
Soon a new week will arrive. My youngest leaves for college - her last summer home. My backpacking son will return (after a 5-week, 500 mile hike). My husband and I are taking a little vacation. September is my favorite month of the whole year; it always feels like a new beginning. Time marches on and we never know what lies ahead of us....all we can do it our best and not look back. I choose to look forward with hope.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A new day
I went to bed super early and spent a couple hours battling an awful lot of pain. Whew! That takes a lot out of me. But....I did sleep really well and woke up feeling much better and hopeful.
I think my pity party is over.
I'm not going to go out and run a marathon today, but hoping to get a few things completed. Helping my daughter get packed and ready for her sophomore year of college. After that comes a quiet, peaceful house. I will miss her but this is the way life is supposed to work; kids should become independent and we are pleased with her progress.
My day is off to a good start (for me) and I thank those who prayed for me. I'm looking out at the blue sky, the gentle cool breeze and the water of the lake and thinking about the cycles of life, the ups and downs and still learning (at my age) how to navigate this crazy world we live in.
I think my pity party is over.
I'm not going to go out and run a marathon today, but hoping to get a few things completed. Helping my daughter get packed and ready for her sophomore year of college. After that comes a quiet, peaceful house. I will miss her but this is the way life is supposed to work; kids should become independent and we are pleased with her progress.
My day is off to a good start (for me) and I thank those who prayed for me. I'm looking out at the blue sky, the gentle cool breeze and the water of the lake and thinking about the cycles of life, the ups and downs and still learning (at my age) how to navigate this crazy world we live in.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
August 17, 2010
I fell asleep right away last night and slept through the night, which was greatly needed.
I wish I could say I woke up feeling rested, but I didn't.
I think I am depressed.
Wait: I know I am depressed.
My husband and I talked a long time last night, about our lives, people, families and the challenges that lie ahead of us. It felt good to connect and for him to nod his head in understanding. Some of you might think I'm just a big 'ole whiner, but there are things going on in my life that I don't write here. I just can't - they are too personal and would be inappropriate to talk about others negatively behind their backs. You'll have to trust me when I say some of these things are HUGE. There are a couple, that if taken out of context and were the only things I was dealing with would cause a great deal of sadness, anxiety and stress for the healthiest among us. And...there are no answers.
Overwhelmed.
I simply have too many things for one person at one time and I don't know what to do or where to go. I have one friend who thinks I need to see a counselor, but I don't think it will help and she's forgetting one important thing: I am sick. I would probably cancel my appointment 50% of the time, which does not lend itself to building a therapeutic relationship. Plus, I don't know what I'd talk about. It's not like these are things I can "fix." They are just deeply painful and I have to find a way to let them go, but they feel too huge right now to be able to do that.
I'm isolating. I'm keeping my phone off. I'm not reaching out. I am staying home and crying pretty much all day long. I know this isn't good, but I don't know what else to do. I am certainly not going to start medicating myself and I can't drink alcohol so I have no choice but to feel the pain and somehow, someway walk through it. It just feels like more than one person can handle and I am almost at my breaking point. I feel so very alone, and for those of you who've felt this way, you know how painful it is.
I don't know what else to write.
I wish I could say I woke up feeling rested, but I didn't.
I think I am depressed.
Wait: I know I am depressed.
My husband and I talked a long time last night, about our lives, people, families and the challenges that lie ahead of us. It felt good to connect and for him to nod his head in understanding. Some of you might think I'm just a big 'ole whiner, but there are things going on in my life that I don't write here. I just can't - they are too personal and would be inappropriate to talk about others negatively behind their backs. You'll have to trust me when I say some of these things are HUGE. There are a couple, that if taken out of context and were the only things I was dealing with would cause a great deal of sadness, anxiety and stress for the healthiest among us. And...there are no answers.
Overwhelmed.
I simply have too many things for one person at one time and I don't know what to do or where to go. I have one friend who thinks I need to see a counselor, but I don't think it will help and she's forgetting one important thing: I am sick. I would probably cancel my appointment 50% of the time, which does not lend itself to building a therapeutic relationship. Plus, I don't know what I'd talk about. It's not like these are things I can "fix." They are just deeply painful and I have to find a way to let them go, but they feel too huge right now to be able to do that.
I'm isolating. I'm keeping my phone off. I'm not reaching out. I am staying home and crying pretty much all day long. I know this isn't good, but I don't know what else to do. I am certainly not going to start medicating myself and I can't drink alcohol so I have no choice but to feel the pain and somehow, someway walk through it. It just feels like more than one person can handle and I am almost at my breaking point. I feel so very alone, and for those of you who've felt this way, you know how painful it is.
I don't know what else to write.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I CAN'T SLEEP!!
I've been having sleep problems on and off for some time now. Believe me, I've tried everything. I'm one of those weird people who has paradoxical reactions to many medications, and sleeping remedies are one. Melatonin? Makes me hyper! Glass of warm milk? Gives me a stomachache! I'm a nurse practitioner and it's usually me giving out advice on improving sleep cycles. Well, I've taken my own advice and....nothing is working.
And when I am struggling to sleep, my mind starts to think and I make "lists" of stuff. Sometimes I wake up and write them down, as I did last night. Sometimes it just feels like I have so much weight on my shoulders and it helps to write it all down. I won't write it here - it's quite a depressing list, but it did help me clarify my issues for the moment and it's no wonder I feel the burden. There's a lot on my plate.
A friend of mine lost her only son nearly a year ago in a boating accident. The 1-year anniversary is coming up soon. I read Elizabeth Edwards' book recently and she not only lost her 16 year-old son in a car accident, but is dying of incurable breast cancer....and if that's not enough, her husband is a cheater and has an illegitimate child with a mistress. I'm sure you've all read the headlines. My friend and I spoke of Ms. Edwards' book and in the context of our lives how things can always be worse. You don't have to look far to find someone with a story more horrific than yours or entire cultures of people (such as those in Haiti, and now Pakistan) whose lives are destroyed.
So, I tell myself not to whine. I tell myself to be happy things aren't worse. And I pray for those whose lives live out in daily torture - even here in our own country.
So today I'm keeping it in perspective. And hoping I CAN SLEEP tonight.
And when I am struggling to sleep, my mind starts to think and I make "lists" of stuff. Sometimes I wake up and write them down, as I did last night. Sometimes it just feels like I have so much weight on my shoulders and it helps to write it all down. I won't write it here - it's quite a depressing list, but it did help me clarify my issues for the moment and it's no wonder I feel the burden. There's a lot on my plate.
A friend of mine lost her only son nearly a year ago in a boating accident. The 1-year anniversary is coming up soon. I read Elizabeth Edwards' book recently and she not only lost her 16 year-old son in a car accident, but is dying of incurable breast cancer....and if that's not enough, her husband is a cheater and has an illegitimate child with a mistress. I'm sure you've all read the headlines. My friend and I spoke of Ms. Edwards' book and in the context of our lives how things can always be worse. You don't have to look far to find someone with a story more horrific than yours or entire cultures of people (such as those in Haiti, and now Pakistan) whose lives are destroyed.
So, I tell myself not to whine. I tell myself to be happy things aren't worse. And I pray for those whose lives live out in daily torture - even here in our own country.
So today I'm keeping it in perspective. And hoping I CAN SLEEP tonight.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Inspired, a poem is formed
Spherical Thoughts
8/15/2010
i.
One cell divides, 2, 4, 8.....
Then differentiates into a bird, a bear,
a human being.
The spheres uniquely creating a one-of-a-kind form of
life.
ii.
The soul is the great mystery;
the unknown which science cannot explain or diagram.
What is its shape or form?
Beauty lies in the mystery; the sacred, holy unknown and unseen.
iii.
Our spherical cells contain our unique genetic code
and while DNA is a helix on which spherical codes make up our unique sequence,
it is known there are no two alike.
iv.
My cells are uniquely aberrant, as each contain a parasite
feeding on my code, passed on by a stranger with whom I share a blood-bond.
His spherical invader attached itself to each cell of my body, our life sentences intertwined.
Every attempt to rid myself of this unwelcome invader has failed.
The stranger and I bound by a sphere that connects us to eternity.
v.
I am my mother, my father and all ancestors before me.
My children are me, my spouse and all our collective ancestors before us.
Yet I carry this sphere that clings only to my cells
making me different from my own.
A stranger's blood courses through my veins.
vi.
Spheres represent the eternal circle of life, love; of planets and suns and the fabric of humanity and the cosmos.
The sunrise and sunset; the moon and stars; the tide....all results of spherical bodies rotating in circular patterns, a 24-hour cycle of day and night.
I ponder this form and consider its impact on this one insignificant life, at this point in time......
And see hope, beauty and a familiar pattern of comfort that connects life and eternity in one revolving galaxy, where order is maintained, the future is predictable and I may once again be whole and bask in the gray mystery of the soul.
I step back and smile, thinking how superb are those things known and unknown, as I move the ring on my finger and consider the perfect form.
8/15/2010
i.
One cell divides, 2, 4, 8.....
Then differentiates into a bird, a bear,
a human being.
The spheres uniquely creating a one-of-a-kind form of
life.
ii.
The soul is the great mystery;
the unknown which science cannot explain or diagram.
What is its shape or form?
Beauty lies in the mystery; the sacred, holy unknown and unseen.
iii.
Our spherical cells contain our unique genetic code
and while DNA is a helix on which spherical codes make up our unique sequence,
it is known there are no two alike.
iv.
My cells are uniquely aberrant, as each contain a parasite
feeding on my code, passed on by a stranger with whom I share a blood-bond.
His spherical invader attached itself to each cell of my body, our life sentences intertwined.
Every attempt to rid myself of this unwelcome invader has failed.
The stranger and I bound by a sphere that connects us to eternity.
v.
I am my mother, my father and all ancestors before me.
My children are me, my spouse and all our collective ancestors before us.
Yet I carry this sphere that clings only to my cells
making me different from my own.
A stranger's blood courses through my veins.
vi.
Spheres represent the eternal circle of life, love; of planets and suns and the fabric of humanity and the cosmos.
The sunrise and sunset; the moon and stars; the tide....all results of spherical bodies rotating in circular patterns, a 24-hour cycle of day and night.
I ponder this form and consider its impact on this one insignificant life, at this point in time......
And see hope, beauty and a familiar pattern of comfort that connects life and eternity in one revolving galaxy, where order is maintained, the future is predictable and I may once again be whole and bask in the gray mystery of the soul.
I step back and smile, thinking how superb are those things known and unknown, as I move the ring on my finger and consider the perfect form.
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