Hurry up and wait....

Still not feeling well. Not getting worse, but no improvement either. I had a bunch of blood work done yesterday and did not get results yet. My doctor took a couple of days off so unless there's something alarming I probably won't hear until Monday.


Our oldest son (a high school teacher and football coach) has been here with some of the guys on his football team for a couple of days. He lined up a few 7 on 7's with local schools and they are having fun in vacation land. I forgot what it's like to have a house full of 16-17 year old boys. They are LOUD and rowdy! They leave this morning to head up to another day of 7 on 7's and then go back home. I'll have quite a bit of laundry to do - sheets, towels, etc. It's fun to see him interact with the boys as an authority figure. It's obvious they love him and he loves what he's doing.

Our younger son set off on a 3-week hike of the Long Trail in Vermont with his cousin. I won't have much contact with him but I do know he arrived safely. I am excited he found time to get out in the wilderness.

I can't leave out my daughters - but they don't have much news. My younger daughter is taking Calculus at the Community College just to knock off a class to lighten her load during the school year. The class is compressed, so it's fast-paced. Between that and working 40+ hours a week, she is a very busy young lady. Our oldest daughter has a birthday in a couple of weeks - she turns 28!

I'll keep you posted when I get results from my lab tests. Enjoy your weekend!

A Rough Patch

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been awfully sick. "something" hit me late last week and I'm still recovering. Last June I had a bout of septicemia (blood infection) and was initially concerned this might be the case once again, but I don't think it is. So I've been laying low and resting a lot. I'm not really feeling up to visits or calls, but appreciate your thoughts and prayers. These bouts usually take a couple of weeks to fully recover, so I hope I am in recovery mode.

The hardest part is constantly living with not feeling well. I never feel well; it's all relative. My best day would probably translate into a day in bed for you with the flu. Such it is.
I'll post more regularly when I'm feeling better. It's just so discouraging after having a good month of feeling the best I had felt in 5 years. I had hoped it would persist, but feared it might be the proverbial calm before the storm.

Time to nap.

Hallelujah! I slept all night! I am so incredibly thankful this morning! I didn't think I'd sleep too well after watching the Lakers beat the Celtics (I am not a Celtics fan; I'm a Laker hater). I can't describe how horrible I felt last night - absolutely awful. I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep. And..I couldn't; I felt like I had the flu and had a terrible headache to boot. So I did something I never do: I took a pain pill a voila! I slept! I woke up to early morning thunderstorms, which I love and walked downstairs to find two of my kids up eating breakfast. (Our younger son had spent the night).

I HOPE THIS IS THE START TO A GREAT WEEKEND! I'm looking forward to all the surprises the kids and I have in store for my husband on Father's Day and excited about celebrating.
I hope that one good night of sleep is the the first of many to come.

It's a beautiful day.....

Finally, some respite from the gloomy weather and a nice sunny day ahead! I've been having trouble sleeping for the last few months - I wake up between 0300-0400 and have a headache, abdominal pain, drenched in sweat and have severe anxiety. The anxiety is the most difficult; I'm not thinking anxious thoughts, it is 100% physical. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. My doctor thinks it is most likely related to menopause but it's so hard to tell - many symptoms of Hep C are the same. I can't seem to find anything that's working and I can't use an estrogen patch because it is very harmful to the liver. Many medications are bad for the liver - Tylenol is especially bad and I can only take it in limited quantities (actually, I never take it myself). So...like many things in my life, I just muddle through and do the best I can.

A very wise person once told me that my value as a person goes far beyond my medical diagnosis. I believe her. Another (not so wise) person told me that everyone is dying. Please don't say that to people with serious illness - while it's true to some extent, it negates their personal struggles and the fact that we stare death in the eye every single day. If I were to get H1N1, a serious injury, etc. - I WOULD NOT SURVIVE. That's not the same as the possibility of getting into a car accident or having a tree fall on me.

Well, I better get out and live this beautiful day, struggles and all. And.....I hope for one peaceful night of rest. Just 8 hours will do.

A very special day....

Today is my youngest son's birthday. He is 23 years old. He is simply one of the finest young men I know; he is known for his big heart and service to the community. Throughout my illness he has always been here for me. He is in grad school to get his Master of Science in Accounting and is about to set off on a 3-week backpacking trip on the Long Trail, which runs the length of Vermont from the Canadian border to Massachusetts (270 miles). It's our nation's very first hiking trail. He's a kind, smart, funny and very loyal mountain man. I will leave you with his favorite quote:

"Keep close to Nature's heart...and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean." ~ John Muir

Another day

Another day of feeling marginally well. I did manage to get up, accomplish a couple of things then return to bed for awhile.

I don't think I'll ever fully adjust to being sick. So many things about my illness parallel my current personal life. Even though my children are grown, I am still a mom. It's difficult to find that balance of if/when to step in on an adult child. When you add illness to the mix it changes the whole dynamic. Do I even have the energy to confront this issue? Which battles do I choose (if any)? How do you deal with adult children who you know are making bad choices for themselves?
I put it out to prayer and wait for an answer. That works quite well for me - I am in the "waiting for an answer" mode at the moment. Praying for clarity.

This is a poem I wrote in 2008. It is titled "Learning, Part 10"

The endless liquid ocean meets

The eternal sky

And the point of their intersection

Indeterminate.

Eternal sky

Awash in crimson - purple,

Its heat reaching me while its

Loving fingers hold my face.

Wind blowing my direction

Whispering, you are loved as you are.

God of the Universe

Lives within this vessel

Chipped and worn from life’s many challenges;

Remaining intact and filled to the top.

Those who believe God is “out there”

Are starving, impoverished souls.

The divinity resides within and is manifested

In the beauty of our creation; the wonders of our Universe.

Those who seek will find

The love of That which dwells within us,

Those who surround protect and love us

And a Universe that is connected -

An all-conspiring symphony of love.

How could we not know?

I promise to keep my eyes open in wide wonder,

And to seek.