sick sick sick

I am very sick today. I am not posting to get pity or sympathy, but to share how it feels. People often ask me how I feel when I am sick and I will explain here.

I woke up feeling okay, had a great night's sleep. My morning routine was unchanged (I do the same things every day). But I began to feel sick - like I have the flu - around 10AM. All of my muscles and joints hurt just like when a person has the flu. But worst yet is pain. I have severe pain in my abdomen - on the right upper side of my ribcage and it wraps around me like a belt into the back right to my spine. The pain is an achy/pressure type of feeling. It doesn't cause me to double over, nor is it tender to the touch. It feels very deep inside my body. 100% of the time, the pain includes a severe headache. My head hurts all over. It's the same type of pain you get with sinus pressure but it covers my whole head.

So...I took 1 pain pill. No change. I waited awhile and took some Ibuprofen. No change. So...another pain pill. My daughter went to work at 10:30 and was concerned, but I told her to go, "it's okay" and she kissed me goodbye, telling me to call if I need her (she works 2 blocks away). By this time I knew I had to eat something, because now that I have diabetes I can no longer skip meals. I force myself to eat even though I have ZERO appetite. I am now afraid of being home alone. My mind is not clear and I'm so sick I simply feel fearful. I called my spouse and he came home to finish his work here in his home office. I'm so fortunate he is able to do this, but he does travel 2-3 days a week.

By the time he got here I had already taken 2 pain pills (prescription) and Ibuprofen without relief. So, he sat with me awhile and told me my color is a bit ashen (he's been noticing a gray-ish tint to my color, but it is subtle). I force myself to drink water, but the pain is still unbearable so I put on a heating pad. My husband finally says, "I think you should take another pain pill" and it's only 2:30. Three pain pills is my maximum allotment in one day. I seldom take more than 2 per day, and usually if I break the pill in half it does the trick. But not today.
So now I am finally getting some relief. For you nurses, I went from a 7-8 now to a 2. But now I am "loopy" and not thinking as clearly and I dislike - IMMENSELY - the way pain pills make me feel. I would never be a good drug addict because I generally dislike the "high" feeling.

I also took 2 Aspirin before pain pill #3 just to try something. It's probably not a great idea since my platelets run very low and my clotting times are off, meaning I bleed easily and my blood doesn't clot well, which is due to liver disease & aspirin is a "blood thinner" AND I have cirrhosis. But I'm desperately trying to get relief.

Now I'm exhausted from spending the day fighting this pain and from taking a day's worth of pain meds, so I will probably fall asleep. Falling asleep means I am not in pain (at least not enough to keep me from sleeping). And I can't think of anything I did yesterday that is different or unusual that would have caused me to have a bad day today. Nothing at all. Oh, and I had to take an anti-nausea medication because all that pain medication makes me feel pukey.

Some weeks I feel well and think I will live awhile; on days like today I can't imagine living one more year. So there you have it: what it feels like when I am sick. Hoping I wake up tomorrow and feel well, which is completely feasible. And....hoping this helps all of you who ask what it's like for me.

Abundance

The word abundance has really been dominating my mind these last few days. I've been very blessed. I have a wonderful spouse of 26 years and our love deepens with time. Who gets that? Not many people and I realize how blessed I am. For that alone.

I have four great adult children, three with college educations and solid careers that they love. My youngest is still in college, but with her strength and determination I know she'll find her way and amaze me yet again.

I live in a place that is like paradise....it's currently over-run with tourists because of it's beauty and bounty of parks, stunning vistas and spectacular sunsets. The Aurora Borealis was visible last night here. Once again, who gets that? And I have this beautiful landscape in which we've built a life every single day. I make sure not to take it for granted.

And then there's the sky...oh yes, the sky! How can we not marvel at the sheer beauty of the sky alone? We ALL have that, and I make certain to take note each and every day so I don't miss anything.
Yes, I am blessed. It's not about worldly possessions, it's not about what I've accomplished in my life and it's certainly not about stockpiling meaningless "things." It's about having a rich life. love, great friends and daily beauty.
I'll be thinking about abundance today.

Thoughts for a new book

I've decided that the creators of those ever-popular "how-to" books need to compile a book called "How to die for dummies and their loved ones." There is no road map, right or wrong....and there is certainly no easy button.

After a wonderful week of relaxation I've been bombarded with one crisis after another - far more than I am currently able to handle. My husband steps in and addresses the most difficult things and I am very grateful, but I truly don't know how he does it. I worry about him. He has a huge burden on his shoulders and it's not anything he has chosen. He assures me, with those beautiful brown eyes, that he's just fine and he will do anything that is required - just say the word. How blessed I am.

I do know this: it's imperative to take care of myself with gentleness. It's also important to nurture my soul, and I have many avenues to do that. Pacing is important too - I can't do too much in one day without a great deal of rest. Another thing is knowing when to turn off the news; I find I have little tolerance for news stories that involve violence or pain, so I shield myself from that. It seems like the world is shifting and it's easy to get off-balance (plus, I get literally off balance and fall at regular intervals from dizziness).

Today I'm going to think about love and all things good and light. About God and those who I am fortunate to have love me unconditionally. Those are pretty huge things, don't you think?

And so it begins again

Well, home just over 24 hours and already experiencing the thing that links all good mothers around the world together - worry. I can't go into detail, but the concern I have is very serious, much more so than everyday mom concerns.

Can I go back up north? Like, um, NOW?

I was awake until 4:00 this morning from sheer anxiety. I tried everything, relaxation techniques, prayer and meditation. I tried really really really really hard to let it go. "Just release it, Sue" was my mantra. Naah, didn't work. This is just too big - HUGE. I was exhausted and this is not good for me or my health.

Does it ever end? Is there a point in which we no longer worry about our adult children? My mother says no. I know she worries about me and my health issues. Great, she's almost 80. So, I gotta figure this out and find a way to release and live happily in spite of what's going on with my child. Easy to type; hard to do. Any suggestions? We're all in this together, right?

Ahhh.......

I returned home from a very relaxing vacation up north at a charming lakefront cabin with one of my closest friends. I feel refreshed and relaxed. We had a wonderful time.

Prior to leaving I was rushed to the hospital - I had collapsed and my family called 911. I was severely dehydrated and spent the evening in the hospital having tests, etc. My liver has deteriorated significantly since the last CT scan 2 years ago and is now showing that it is fully cirrhotic; it's time to begin thinking about a transplant. I am going to ask my doctor for a referral to a doctor in Detroit who specializes in Hepatitis C, liver transplantation and has been involved in clinical studies for new treatment options. For the first time in a long time I feel as though I have hope. Just a sliver, but hope nonetheless.

In the meantime I am taking good care of myself and feeling very blessed for my family and great friends. The upcoming week is our town's annual festival and we are over-run with tourists. I usually participate from afar as getting into large crowds is not only unwise due to spread of disease, but also because I have no immediate escape should I begin to feel ill. I look forward to the month of August with a bittersweet feeling; our youngest returns to college on the 27th and we will have our empty nest. I will miss having her around.
Have a great weekend!

Taking a break....

This will be my last post for awhile. I haven't been feeling well, as you probably already know.

A dear friend is coming to visit and we are headed up to her family cabin for a week of relaxation - just the two of us. The setting is a tranquil, rustic cabin on a peaceful lake. I look forward to a change in scenery and getting away from the stresses and responsibilities of home. She is a RN also and is more than capable of handling any health issues I might have while we are together. I will really miss my spouse and dogs but I'll be back on the 30th.

My best to all.....

P.S. Yes, that's a photo of the place we'll be staying :)

Decisions and ponderings

"Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold" ~ Yeats

I've made a few decisions recently. I am not returning to teaching. I barely made it through the last semester (I always take summers off) and I had to admit to myself I just can't do it any longer. My faculty partner is finishing up some research and wants me to help in ways I am able to do from home, so I agreed. The research is not affiliated with the university so I can still turn in my resignation. My few consulting jobs are enough for now and maintaining contact with my colleague is just perfect.

Thinking about my grown children and the idealistic views I had when they were all small. I envisioned this perfect little family who would always be close and we would be strong and have an unbreakable bond. Wow, was I naive. I tend to "blame" myself for everything that hasn't worked out in that perfect little scenario I created - I blame it on my illness. That's all I know; perhaps things would be the same had I remained healthy, nobody will ever know. Truth is, we aren't as close as I'd hoped. My husband and I are closer - that's a blessing. But the kids, they have grown apart from one another and from us, in varying degrees - of course. Examining my illness, once again I had an unrealistic view of how my family would behave; they would all surround me with love and affection, become closer as a family unit and give me an abundance of support. Duh, Sue.

First, it's normal for kids to grow up and move on. That's their
"job" in life as young adults (I DO have a Master's degree, which included alot of psychology and I should know this....Erikson, Piaget, Maslow, etc) but it's difficult to apply to those you love. I have four kids. They don't all get along wonderfully. They love each other, but at times do not like each other very much. They probably would not be friends if they weren't family. I get that. I've got one child who has done the things in my "perfect" vision as far as my illness goes, but the rest - not so much. And it's not their fault; they each have their way of dealing with how it affects them and their own pain surrounding it. One is taking a self-destructive path; one has turned feelings for me into anger; and one is still figuring things out. I love the phrase "It is what it is" and that certainly applies. I have to let it go. Release. Be thankful for the good times and appreciate the gems of a day, a week a month - I can't overlook that. And I gotta take care of me, be tender with myself and my spirituality and be filled with gratitude for my wonderful, loving spouse.